


At My Fingertips

by Nerd_alert19



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Romantic Fluff, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-02-24 19:15:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22103038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerd_alert19/pseuds/Nerd_alert19
Summary: Set in the months after Bahrain, Phil won't let Melinda shut herself off from the world. He's determined to put his feelings aside and see her through this, but he's not quite as successful at the first part as he hoped he'd be.
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 113
Kudos: 254





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Siri threw the song "Fingertips" by Ryan O'Shaughnessy into my morning playlist and this angsty, fluff piece was born. It was just screamed Phil/Audrey/Melinda at me until I got to writing.

She was beautiful, smart, talented, and checked off all the boxes of his ideal woman. She smiled brightly across from him at their table at The Richmond, and he wanted to have all that she offered. He clenched his fist beneath the table and pleaded with his brain to focus on her words. He pleaded with his heart to love her back. 

He just couldn’t. 

  
He couldn’t even bring himself to kiss her lips. He wished he could claim that he was just being that grand of a gentleman, but the last time he took her home he had every intention of taking that next step. He kissed her cheek instead. He instantly saw the disappointment on her face and he kicked himself for letting her down. He swore that the next time would be different, but sitting across from her now he knew tonight would end the same. 

  
She tucked her hand into his arm on the way home, and he waited for that jolt or tingle from her touch he knew should be there and was so disappointed when he felt nothing. 

He’d felt it before…just, not from her. 

  
He walked her to the stoop of her apartment building and she blushed with the sweetest smile as she asked, “Do you want to come up for a while, Phil?”

  
He wanted to want to, but he had somewhere else he needed to be. 

  
He smiled gently and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Audrey, but I have to go.”

She smiled again, but it didn’t reach her eyes this time. He hated disappointing her. He was such a tool, and she deserved better. 

He didn’t even kiss her cheek this time, just bid her goodnight and walked back to the car. 

  
He drove through town until he reached the same destination he’d visited every night for the past two months. He knew tonight would yield the same result, but he trudged up the stairs faithfully and knocked on the door. 

  
“Melinda…..it’s me. I just wanted to check on you.” 

  
Silence. 

  
His shoulders sagged, but he really expected no different. She hadn’t opened up to anyone since Bahrain. She moved out and ended her marriage a month after she returned. A month after that she put in for a transfer to administration. She hasn’t really spoken to anyone in the four months since the incident. She’d moved to this apartment two months ago and he’d come without fail every evening to check on her. So far she hasn’t even acknowledged his existence, but he comes regardless…..because he loves her. He loves her so much his heart aches, and he would gladly go back in time and trade places with her to spare her from all of this. It was killing him to know how much this was breaking her, and he had never felt so helpless in his life. 

He loosened his tie and let it hang around his neck as he slid down the wall next to her door and took up his usual post. 

“I’m just going to be out here if you need anything, okay?” He said through the door and waited. 

Finally, he heard it. The sound of her settling her back against the other side of the door. 

He leaned his head back against the wall and swallowed past the lump in his throat. 

  
“Maria lost the bet so she has to show up to work tomorrow wearing a hot pink velour tracksuit. You know how much she loves bright colors.”

He leaned forward to rest his forearm on his drawn-up knees and pulled the tie from his neck to give his fingers something to play with while he carried on the one-way conversation. 

“I know this feels like you’ll never move past it…..I’m not here to offer you platitudes or make you talk about it…..I’m just….here. I’m just right out here, Melinda. We don’t have to talk about it…we don’t have to talk at all. I just…I just want to see you, Melinda. Not just to make sure you’re okay….I just…I just really miss you.”

He wiped his hand over his face as he leaned back against the wall once more. It was a selfish plea on his part, and he knew it; but he was so desperate to see her and he didn’t really know what else to say. He took a long breath and tried to think of anything light or humorous that he could tell her for their time together tonight. His mind was drawing a blank. He was so tired. 

He stared at the tie in his hands. 

He really should just go home and try to get some rest, but he was loath to leave her. He struggled every night to make himself get up and go home. He just needed to be close to her. He went to stretch his legs out to get more comfortable when he heard it: 

The click of the lock. 

  
His head turned immediately to the door and he held his breath as the door slowly opened. She stepped out just enough to look at him and then stepped back into her apartment a second later. 

She left the door open. 

  
There was no way he was going to waste the opportunity. He jumped to his feet and slowly stepped into her apartment. 

The room was bathed in darkness. Only a soft light from the kitchen illuminated the room. He could still make out her form positioned in the middle of the couch. She had her knees pulled up to her chest and she stared at her sock-clad feet. He slowly and tentatively made his way over to the couch and sat down a respectable distance away. 

She turned her head and her eyes were watery and her chin quivered ever so slightly before she clenched her jaw. 

His heart shattered.

He opened his arms in hesitant offering and she stared at him a moment before leaning into him with eyes screwed shut tight. The sob that tore from her throat was the most devastating sound that he had ever experienced and he wrapped his arms securely around her while she cried into his chest. 

She crawled into his lap like she was trying to share his skin. She shook silently as she cried and his whole world narrowed to the broken woman in his arms. 

Eventually, her body stopped shaking and she was still. She’d cried herself to sleep, and he carefully positioned her more comfortably in his lap. He finally allowed the tears to spill down his own cheeks as his heart broke all over again at how much Bahrain had stolen from her. He carefully wiped his eyes and gave her one more lingering gaze before leaning his head back against the couch and closing his eyes. 

  
He was woken abruptly a couple of hours later by the feel of her thrashing in his arms and the strangled sobs tearing from her lips. 

She was trapped in a nightmare.

He pulled her closer with his arm around her waist while the other hand moved up to brush the hair from her sweat-soaked forehead. 

He whispered softly so as not to startle her, “May….Melinda…you’re safe. I’m here. Wake up, Melinda, you’re safe now. Everything’s okay.”

Her eyes flew open and he could see them clouded over with panic. Her eyes darted to his and recognition slowly settled over her. Her shallow breathing was starting to even out and she fisted her hand in his shirt while she came back to herself. 

He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head and rubbed his hand soothingly over her back while she settled herself. 

“I’m sorry” she whispered a moment later and his heart ached.

He cupped her cheek in his hand and tilted her face up until her eyes met his. 

“You’re okay, Melinda. We’re going to get through this; you and me against the demons. I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

There was a sheen in her eyes when she nodded in response and he swallowed hard to keep his own emotions in check. This was about helping her heal. 

He helped her stand up and led her to her bedroom. He had her sit on the edge of her bed while he stepped into the bathroom to wet a cool washrag and filled the cup by the sink with cold water. He handed her the glass and watched as she took a sip. He wiped the sweat from her brow with the rag and then placed it gently against the back of her neck to help her cool down. 

“That’s the most sleep I’ve gotten in months.” She confessed so quietly that he had to strain to hear her. 

“Do you want to try to go back to sleep, or would you rather stay up for a bit?” 

She looked so lost when she looked up at him. “I don’t know.” She said and he nodded in understanding. “Will you stay?” She asked a moment later.

He smiled and took the water from her to place on her nightstand. “Until you kick me out,” he said as he pulled back the covers on her bed, “and even then you’re going to have to work pretty hard to convince me you mean it.”

He kicked off his shoes and sat on the bed with his back against the headboard and placed a pillow in his lap. 

“Come on….I’ll talk to you for a while and you can just listen until you get tired.” He suggested. 

She crawled up the bed and curled under the covers with her head on the pillow in his lap. He softly raked his fingers through her hair and she reached out her hand to grip his free hand in hers tightly. He leaned his head back and started telling her about the Captain America fan club he tried to start in middle school to meet girls, and she smiled for the first time in four months. 

  
Eventually, he felt her grip on his hand loosen and peered down in the dark to find her sleeping. For the first time in months, he felt a little less helpless. He meant what he said; she’d have to kick him out to get him to leave her side now that she’d let him in. 

  
They’d survive this because he loved her and failure was not an option. 


	2. Chapter 2

He slid out of bed carefully the next morning and quietly made his way to the kitchen. He set the tea kettle to boil while he checked her fridge and pantry for options. She clearly had not been eating well. He didn’t want to risk her waking while he was gone so he pulled out his phone and called in an order to the corner market and then he text Fury.

An hour later, he had a plate of eggs and toast that he settled onto a tray next to a cup of hot tea. He walked carefully to the bedroom, but stood in the door to watch her for a moment. She was still sleeping and his heart flooded with love for the woman curled up in the spot he had left earlier. He hated to wake her and debated about whether or not he should just try to keep the food warm and let her sleep, but just as he was about to turn back to the kitchen he heard her muffled voice. 

“You didn’t have to cook, Phil.”

“I know,” he replied with a soft smile, “but I did so now you have to eat it.”

  
“I didn't even have food here.” She said as she sat up against the headboard and rubbed a hand over her face. 

  
He placed the tray across her lap and a cup of hot tea on her bedside table. “I know….I had a the kid from the market on the corner bring a few things.”

  
She nodded in acceptance as she looked down at the plate in her lap until a thought occurred to her. “Shouldn’t you be at work?

“Nope….I called in and took a few days off.”

  
“Phil….”

  
“You should probably eat before it gets cold,” he interrupted as he pointed to her plate with a stern look. 

  
He could tell she wanted to say more, but she looked back down at her plate and pushed the food around on it with her fork. 

  
She’d lost weight and he could tell she hadn’t really been eating. He swallowed back the words he wanted to say and the questions racing through his mind about how she’d been neglecting herself these last couple of months. He wasn’t here to be her doctor or her therapist. He was here as her best friend, and he was just going to focus on taking care of her.

“You don’t have to eat it all,” he suggested, “Just eat what you can…no pressure.”

She looked up with a grateful nod and slowly began picking at the eggs on her plate. She managed to eat half the eggs and a piece of toast, and he smiled as he ate the bacon from her plate. 

  
She smiled back, and his heart flooded in relief at seeing something he was afraid he wouldn’t see again. 

“What would you like to do today?” He asked and noticed the look of hesitation in her eyes. 

“I’m not really up for any…” she started but he had anticipated that and interrupted.

  
“What if we just settle onto the couch for a movie marathon? You don’t have to talk or do anything…just sit there for some mind-numbing entertainment.”

She nodded and followed him into the living room and settled onto the couch as he had suggested. 

He searched her movie collection for anything that did not contain violence or children and smiled when he came across “You’ve Got Mail”.

He held it up with a smirk on his face and raised brow as he teased, “Really Melinda? A romcom? Are you a closet romance fan? Is there a crush on Tom Hanks you haven’t confessed to yet?”

“Shut up” she muttered but there was the softest upturn at the corner of her lip.

“This is a very sappy movie, Melinda,” he continued playfully.

  
She rolled her eyes and tried to explain, “Maria gave it to me for my birthday last year as a joke…..I’ve never even watched it.”

  
“Hmm…the fact that it’s been taken out of the plastic wrapper tells a different story, Melinda May,” he taunted and walked towards the tv, “I tell you what. We’ll just pretend that I believe you and we’ll just watch it now……for the first time.”

  
She was really working to keep back a smile now and he internally cheered in triumph as he put the movie on and plopped down beside her on the couch. 

  
“I won’t even watch you during the movie to see if you tear up. I’m a gentleman like that,” he assured her with a smirk.

  
“You’re something alright,” She retorted and he just grinned at her in response as the opening credits started to play. 

  
He kept his promise and kept his eyes on the screen, but inside he was reveling at the small glimpse of his best friend that he had seen. 

His hope grew as she clutched a pillow to her chest and muttered, “Shut up, Phil” when he caught her getting into the narrative of the film. 

  
He just smiled and shook his head.

  
By the time they reached the end credits, she had fallen asleep curled up at the end of the couch. He carefully placed a blanket over her before turning off the movie and moving towards her bedroom.

As quietly as he could, he went about doing odd and end chores around her apartment. He stripped and washed the sheets and scrubbed down her bathroom and kitchen. Everything was surprisingly clean considering the depression she had been drowning in over the past few months, but he cleaned anyway to pass the time. 

Maria had texted to check in on Melinda when Fury told her where he was and he sent a quick update that she was fine and just needed more time. 

  
He slipped downstairs to grab his go-bag from Lola’s trunk so that he’d have some clean clothes to change into, before grabbing a quick shower. He didn’t want to be away in case she had a nightmare but he knew feeling clean would help him feel better. 

She was still sleeping soundly when he came out of the bathroom clean and refreshed and he pulled some of the groceries he’d had delivered earlier from the fridge and made sandwiches. 

She was awake by the time he finished preparing lunch and offered him a soft smile when he placed the tray on the coffee table in front of her. 

There was the jolt. 

His heart swelled at the sight of her smile and he tucked away the familiar sense of longing to focus on the task at hand. 

  
“Eat what you can,” he suggested again and smiled encouragingly as she picked up half the sandwich and started eating. 

She managed to eat almost all of her sandwich and took a few bites of her apple before she placed her plate back on the tray and drew her knees up to her chest. 

  
“Thank you….for all of this, Phil, you don’t have to do this,” she softly spoke as she studied her sock-clad feet. 

  
He placed his own plate on the tray and turned towards her with a soft smile on his face as he assured her, “I know I don’t…but you’re my best friend. This is what best friends do. They look out for each other. You need time to heal, Melinda, I understand that. I just need you to understand that you’re not alone while you do. I’m here…just….just let me be here for you.”

  
She kept her eyes cast down but her hand reached up to brush a tear from her cheek. He chose not to comment on it and tried to lighten the mood instead. “Plus…I know you’ve missed me. I mean….how could you not?”

She smirked and her tongue pressed against the inside of her cheek as she shook her head. He took that as agreement and pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head as he stood and took their tray to the kitchen to clean up. 

  
He washed the dishes and glanced to his left as she stepped up next to him with a towel in hand. They worked quietly in tandem until the dishes were put away and she announced her need for a long shower. 

He let out a long sigh of relief when he heard the water running. He felt like a huge weight was being lifted from his chest with each sign of life she projected. 

  
There was light at the end of the tunnel and he was determined to chase it down. 


	3. Chapter 3

She’d been in the shower for a while and he tried to tell himself that it was a good thing and there was nothing to be concerned about. Five minutes later his ear was pressed to the bathroom door. 

His heart broke at the sound of her sobbing on the other side of it. 

He clenched his jaw to fight back the moisture building in his eyes and he took a long deep breath before knocking gently on the door. 

“Melinda…..are you okay in there? Do you…umm…do you need anything?”

He waited but only heard her taking deep breaths to try to stop crying. She was going to hyperventilate if she didn’t settle down. He tried turning the doorknob and was surprised to find it unlocked. 

He took another long fortifying breath before slowly pushing the door open. He looked only long enough to ascertain her location before averting his eyes to the bathroom ceiling. She was sitting on the shower floor with her knees pulled tight to her chest and her head bent down as the sobs racked her small form. 

He grabbed the robe she kept on the back of the bathroom door and kept his eyes averted as he approached her carefully. He reached into the shower and shut the now frigid water off before draping the robe over her and effectively covering her. He knelt down in front of her and reached one hand up to cup her jaw and bring her eyes to his and used the other hand to stroke the hair from her face as he spoke in a soothing tone. 

“Melinda…you’re okay. It’s going to be okay. Breathe, sweetheart, breathe….there we go. Just long slow breath in……and out.”

She breathed with him as tears continued to pour down her cheeks. He could no longer hold back the tears slipping down his own face as he sat down next to her and continued to coach her into calming down. 

“I’m a wreck, Phil,” she whispered, “You should just…”

“Stay here till we can get through this together? Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Gosh, you’re so smart!” He said with a soft smile. 

Her only response was to pull the robe tighter around herself and crawl into his arms. He held her tightly to his chest and continued to stroke the hair away from her face.

He swallowed past the lump in his throat and leaned his head back against the wall. His clothes were getting soaked as he sat on the wet tile floor of the shower holding her sodden form in his arms, but all he cared about was her. He stroked her back soothingly as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. She eventually settled down and clutched the robe to her chest as she realized the position they were in and her lack of clothing. Her cheeks flushed as she moved a respectable distance away and noticed his now wet clothes.

  
“Your clothes are all wet now, Phil, I’m sorry.”

  
“Oh, these old things? I was just thinking earlier that they were getting much too dry. Ughh…there’s nothing worse than old dried out clothes. This is much better.”

  
She shook her head and smiled softly, “I don’t deserve you, Phil. You’re so…good and kind.”

  
“So are you, Melinda,” he interjected. “You are good…and kind…and strong. You’re the strongest person I know, and I know it doesn’t feel like it right now…but I know you’re strong enough to make it to the other side of this. I won’t leave you until you do. Okay?”

  
“Okay,” she nodded and scooted close enough to be able to rest her head on his shoulder. 

  
He reached over and took the hand that was not holding her robe closed in his own and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

They sat there for a while until she started to shiver. He offered to go make them some tea while she dressed and she nodded with a soft smile. He quickly changed into some dry clothes he had in his bag and threw the wet ones in the dryer. 

She emerged from her bedroom in leggings and an old t-shirt he recognized from the academy and he met her at the couch with steaming mugs of tea. 

Her hair was wet and her eyes were puffy, but he was so hopelessly in love with her that his pulse raced at the sight of her as she settled into the couch and took a long sip from the mug cradled in her hands. 

He’d been in love with her since he was a boy at the academy who had been enamored with the warrior princess he watched dominate the class in hand to hand. That boy wouldn’t have known the value of her presence as he does now. He wouldn’t have known how important it was that she was letting him in now. He wouldn’t have known how very worth the wait she would always be. 

He’d grown up and come to realize that even if she never loved him back, she’d always be his everything. 

He knew what it really meant to love her now. 

“I can’t leave that building, Phil. Every time I get still, I find myself back in that room holding her lifeless body in my arms. I…I don’t think I can get past this.”

“It’s going to take time, Melinda. That…it just doesn’t go away overnight."

She clutched the mug close to her chest and started down into the steaming liquid, “I’m different now…I’m…I’m not who I was. What if I’m never that person again?”

He swallowed and pushed back the stinging sensation in the back of his eyes as he took the cup from her and placed it on the coffee table. He took her hands in his, and his thumbs brushed softly over the backs of her hands as he tried to find the words. 

“The parts of you that make you who you are…they haven’t gone anywhere. You’re still you….you’ve just added another layer. It’s painful and it’s heavy but you’re so strong, Melinda, you’re incredible and if anyone can survive this it’s you. Let me help you…just…let me be here with you on this side of the door. I won’t push or pressure you…we’ll take this at your speed…I just…I need to be with you through this. Please…don't shut me out.”

She nodded and pulled her hand away to brush a stray tear from her cheek as she glanced away. 

He offered her a gentle smile and grabbed the remote to turn the tv on. 

  
“I went back to about where you fell asleep. I know you really want to see if he gets the girl,” he said with a playful smirk as he gestured to the movie. 

She rolled her eyes with a shake of her head but tossed a pillow into his lap as she pulled her feet up and settled her head on the pillow. 

He smiled knowing she’d strategically positioned herself so that he couldn’t see her facial expressions as she watched the movie, but he wasn’t going to complain.

His fingers carefully stroked through her hair as the movie played and he leaned his head back against the couch to rest his eyes for just a moment. 

When he opened them again the room had grown darker and he glanced at his watch to see it was after 6 pm. The menu screen had popped up on the movie and he looked down to see that Melinda was now laying on her back and looking up at him. She smiled softly and his heart skipped a beat. 

She was so…so…beautiful. 

A blush stole across his cheeks as she continued to study him. Her eyes narrowed in concentration and her tongue slipped out to wet her lips. He was mesmerized by the gesture and his heart beat painfully in his chest. 

“Thank you,” she whispered and he smiled as his fingertips moved to brush the hair from her face. 

Her hand moved over his and held it to her cheek as she continued, “I know you have other things to do and you don’t have to be here.”

“There’s nothing more important to me than you,” he confessed, “there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

She turned her head and pressed a kiss to the inside of his wrist and he fought back a shiver at the contact. 

“You make me feel safe, Phil. You help me step out of that building for a little while,” she spoke softly and he marveled at the fact the strongest and bravest woman he’d ever met could feel that from him. 

She kept her eyes locked with his as she sat up slowly. The hand she had pressed over his moved up his arm to his shoulder while the other pressed into the couch beside his hip so that she sat up with her face inches from his. 

He held his breath and tried to still the hammering of his heart as her eyes searched his. His pulse jumped as her eyes glanced down to his lips and then reconnected with his own. 

  
“Why did you keep coming back, Phil?” she inquired in a soft whisper. 

It took him a moment to formulate words and move them past his lips, but finally, he answered as honestly as he could without revealing too much of his heart. “You matter to me, Melinda. You will always matter to me.”

Her voice trembled as she continued, “I’m so broken.”

He nodded in understanding and reached up to cup her cheek. His thumb moved slowly over her soft skin like a metronome as he assured her, “You won’t always be. You’ll heal and you’ll survive this.”

“And you’ll still be here?” She asked as her eyes searched his. 

He offered her a soft smile and nod of his head as he promised, “I’ll still be here.”

She closed her eyes tightly as his words washed over her and he leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead. He felt her shiver at the contact and his pulse jumped again. 

Her eyes opened and found his again and he wanted nothing more than to lean in and catch her lips. The jolt was back and the blood was rushing in his ears as the spark of anticipation lit her eyes. He’d only have to lean forward just a little to taste her lips, but he couldn’t….not yet. She was vulnerable and he couldn’t afford to lose her to regrets. He’d wait as long as it took. It would be worth it to wait for her. 

He offered her a gentle smile as he leaned back to create some space between them and the slightest hint of confusion flitted across her eyes before she tucked it away. 

He brushed his thumb across her cheek one last time before slowly pulling his hand away and offering to cook them dinner. 

She nodded as she moved away to allow him to stand up and his heart ached a little at the distance. 

He stood and reached down his hand to help her up. 

She arched a delicate brow in askance and he smirked as he explained, “I’m here as your best friend…not your servant. You’re going to help me cook dinner, Melinda May.”

Her eyes narrowed dangerously but he merely offered her a boyish grin and stood patiently with hand extended as he waited for her to take it. 

  
With feigned reluctance and an eye roll thrown in for good measure, she took his hand and followed him into the kitchen. 

  
It was getting harder and harder to ignore his feeling for her but he was determined to do this right. 

As she stood next to him in the kitchen and her shoulder brushed against his, he realized he might not succeed. 


	4. Chapter 4

They worked quietly for a while as they prepared dinner each lost in their own thoughts and comfortable enough in the other’s presence that they felt no need for mindless chatter. She chopped the vegetables with her usual precision and he worked next to her pretending that every shoulder bump or grazing of skin as they worked around each other didn’t make his pulse race. He’d had as much practice at that as she had using a knife so they both seamlessly executed their skills. 

She was quiet but seemed less closed off than before. While he could tell she was deep in thought, she didn’t appear troubled like she did when thoughts of Bahrain were weighing on her. Something else had her attention and his stomach gave a funny little flip at the fleeting thought that she was possibly thinking about how close they had been just moments ago on the couch. He wouldn’t dare hope that she felt something real in that moment, and he loved her far too much to ever take advantage of her vulnerability now. 

His thoughts were interrupted by the plates she had pulled from the cabinet and moved into his sightline. He smiled and thanked her as he plated the stir fry they had made. She filled glasses and took them to the table and his stupid heart ached at how very much this felt like a life with her and how much he wanted it. 

“Can you imagine if we would have been sworn enemies when we met?” She asked as he sat down at the table across from her. 

His eyes furrowed as his brain scrambled to decipher her sudden line of thought. 

Then his eyes lit up and a smirk spread across his face as the source of her inquiry occurred to him. 

“You mean like on ‘You’ve got mail’? Oh…I knew you were into that movie!” He replied gleefully.

She rolled her eyes as took a sip of water as she responded in a low dangerous tone, “You’re making the enemies thing feel believable.”

“We’d have never been enemies, Melinda May,” he assured her smugly, “I’m a sucker when it comes to you. You would have just persuaded me to join your side and I would have followed you into whatever hijinks you came up with.”

“Pshh…I don’t think so,” she dismissed with a wave of her fork. 

His jaw dropped, “Seriously? That is exactly how we became friends at the academy. You almost got me kicked out three times.”

She rolled her eyes and speared a vegetable with her fork, “It was twice you big baby, and we wouldn’t have gotten caught either time if you could shut up for a whole five minutes.”

“Oh…well…I’m sorry….I thought it would be nice to talk to you…maybe get to know you better….I didn’t mean to put a damper on your evil plans with my attempt at friendship.”

“Seriously? Dramatic much?” She scoffed. “Plus…I didn’t make you come with me on those pranks. I recall you being a very willing participant.”

He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms defensively across his chest as he replied, “Yeah…that’s because I liked you and was too chicken to ask you out so I had to resort to petty crimes around campus.”

“They were hardly crimes, Phil. They were pranks…harmless pranks.”

“Uh-huh….yeah…harmless.”

They were both silent for a moment as they finished their dinner with smiles on their faces as they remembered the old days. 

“I would have said ‘yes’” she spoke up a moment later and at his look of confusion, she clarified with eyes focused on her plate and a faint blush on her cheeks, “If you would have asked me out back then….I would have said yes.”

His chest tightened at that revelation and he mentally kicked himself for all the times he chickened out, but as he looked at her sitting across from him his earlier thoughts came back and he knew. 

He wouldn’t have known how to love her like this back then. 

That boy held her on a pedestal and would have been lost when she fell and shattered. The man who loves her now is better prepared to put the pieces back together. He spent all these years getting to know her…investing in her….memorizing her. He knew her so well now that he knew where all the pieces fit. Above all, he loved her enough now to still see how priceless she is with all the cracks and flaws. 

“You were intimidating back then,” he confessed with a playful smile. 

Then he saw it and his heart pounded in his chest. 

That spark of life…of humor…in her eyes as she looked straight at him with a smirk spreading across her face. 

“You were too nerdy for me back then.”

His jaw dropped open in feigned shock. “Hey! That is….yeah…that’s actually pretty accurate,” he conceded. 

Then she gave the softest giggle in response and his heart just gave up and leapt right out of his chest. 

Good grief he was so in love with her. 

He smiled and shook his head as he finished eating. 

They cleaned up the dishes together, and each attended to their nighttime routine. He was settled on the couch in the sweats and old t-shirt he kept for nightclothes in his go-bag when she stepped out of the bathroom. 

“I think I’m going to try to get some sleep,” she said as walked over towards the couch. 

He nodded and his stomach knotted a little. He wasn’t sure what she was expecting from him or what he should do. He had stayed in her room the night before and talked to her until she fell asleep, but he felt weird offering to sleep with her. She seemed a little unsure too so he decided to just take the gentleman’s road. 

“Can I maybe grab a pillow and an extra blanket?” He asked and her brow creased in confusion for a moment before she seemed to realize what he was asking. She nodded and walked into her bedroom. She emerged a moment later with sheets, a blanket, and a pillow which she handed to him quietly. 

“Anything else you need?” She asked as he began spreading the sheet across the couch and he shook his head with a gentle smile. 

“I think I’m good…thanks.”

She nodded again and turned to leave but his hand shot out to grab her wrist. She turned back surprised but merely arched a brow and waited. 

“I just…I’m just here if you need anything,” he offered with a faint blush to his cheek and she smiled in response. 

“Thank you,” she whispered and hesitated for a moment before stretching up to press the sweetest kiss to his cheek. “Sweet dreams, Phil.”

He was almost convinced he was caught up in one now, but managed to get his brain to function long enough to smile at her and reply, “You too, Melinda.”

He watched her walk away and head back to her room. She left the door open and he watched her crawl into her bed before tossing the pillow onto his make-shift bed and settling down himself. He gave one more glance towards her room before turning off the lamp and laying down to get some rest. 

His cheek tingled, and his heart felt so full. He’d seen his Melinda in stolen moments throughout the day and he was more hopeful than ever that she’d get past this. 

He closed his eyes and smiled thinking that this time when the opportunity to ask her out became available, he wouldn’t chicken out and waste it. 

He’d managed to get an hour of sleep before he was awoken by the sounds of Melinda from her room. She was whimpering with the occasional undistinguished murmur. He carefully made his way to her room so as not to startle her and saw her moving around restlessly beneath the covers. 

He stroked her shoulder gently and spoke in a soothing voice, “Melinda…..Melinda…it’s just a dream. Wake up, May. It’s over now.”

Suddenly she shot up in bed clutching her chest. Her eyes were wild when they found his, and he held his breath waiting to see what she would do. Clarity began to show in her eyes as she recognized him. 

“You okay?” He asked quietly. 

She looked at him for a moment before shaking her head slowly. She fisted her hands in his shirt and lowered her head to his shoulder as she took deep shuttering breathes to calm down. 

His hands stroked languidly up and down her back as he gave her a moment to gather herself. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked as she pulled away but she shook her head.

“Can you just….can you stay with me?” She asked hesitantly and he offered her an easy smile as he nodded. 

She moved over to give him room to climb into the bed next to her.

He settled on his back and she pressed into his side with her head on his shoulder. She wrapped an arm around his waist and he pressed a soft kiss to the top of her head. 

She fell back asleep a few minutes later and he took the opportunity to breathe her in. 

With one last kiss to the crown of her head, he joined her in sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

He woke up alone. It took him a moment to realize where he was and he picked up his phone from the nightstand to check the time. It was 5:45….on a Saturday. He got up quietly and cracked the bedroom door open just enough to see her about halfway through her tai chi routine if he remembered correctly. He smiled as he watched her gracefully transitioning into the next movement and allowed himself to study her for a selfish moment before slowly closing the door again and tiptoeing back to bed. 

He had almost drifted back to sleep when he felt something smack him in the face. 

“Good Morning, Melinda,” he muttered from beneath the pillow now resting atop his face. 

“I know you’re awake,” she spoke from the foot of the bed. 

He burrowed deeper beneath the covers. “No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are,” she stated as she pulled the covers off of him, “You got up while I was doing tai chi. Did you really think you could sneak past me of all people, Phil?”

“Maybe,” he muttered and pressed the pillow to his face to block her out. 

“How do you sleep so late?” She asked, and he reached out blindly for her. 

He waved his hand around and only caught air so he gave up and pulled it back to rest on the pillow covering his head as he said, “It’s easy. Come back to bed and I’ll show you. You just have to close your eyes and not get whacked in the face with a pillow.”

“But I brought you coffee.” She said and he peeled back the pillow from his face just enough for his eye to peek out and see if she was being truthful. 

Seeing the steaming mug cupped between her palms, he extended his hand to beckon her closer. “I need the coffee to be able to get up,” he informed her, and she moved closer with a huff. 

She sat on the bed next to him and he finally removed the pillow and ran a hand over his face as he sat up to rest against the headboard. She passed him the mug with a smile and reached for her cup of tea on the nightstand. 

He smiled thinking that this would be a rather perfect way to start every Saturday, and then he sighed happily as the first delightful taste of coffee graced his tongue. 

“What do you say we get out and do something today?” He suggested carefully and held his breath as he waited for her response. 

“I don’t know, Phil…I just…”

He sensed her hesitation and interrupted, “I just thought maybe we could take a walk around the block. We could stop by the market on the corner and grab some groceries…something for me to cook for dinner. Nothing major…just a walk,” he assured her. 

“You’re movements looked a little stiff this morning while you did tai chi. I think you might be out of shape.” He tried again and hid a smirk behind the coffee mug while he took a sip. 

She glared at him for a moment, and he continued to nurse his cup while he tried to appear unfazed under her stare. 

“Fine,” she conceded eventually and he bit back a smile. 

He made breakfast and then they each went through their morning routines of showering and dressing and he tried not to consider how very comfortable it all felt. 

She kept thinking of little things that needed to be done. She watered the one plant she had, fluffed the couch pillows, vacuumed the rug, and changed out the kitchen dish towels. He allowed her to stall. He knew that she didn’t want to go out and he was just relieved that she was stalling and hadn’t outright refused to go. 

“Melinda,” he called softly when she started to dust the bookshelf, “you want to tell me what you’re so afraid of out there? Why don’t you want to go for a walk?”

She hung her head and fiddled with the duster. “It’s hard to go out…and see kids. It just takes me back to that moment and her lifeless body and I…I just…”

His shoulders slumped, and he understood why that would be hard for her. He wanted to protect her from it all, but he also knew that she couldn’t avoid it forever and if she was ever going to heal she would need to face this. 

He took a moment to try to find the words. “It’s not your fault that she died, Melinda. You did good that day…you saved all of our people. I know that doesn’t make it okay…what happened to the girl…but you’re not to blame for that.”

She looked up at him and his heart broke at the haunted look her eyes held. “It is my fault, Phil. I haven’t told you what really happened in there. I was afraid of what you’d think of me if you knew…I just…your opinion of me matters, and I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

His chest hurt. He closed the distance between them and reached for the duster. He placed it on the bookshelf before taking her hands in his own. He waited until she looked up at him before assuring her, “I won’t push. You don’t have to tell me what happened, but Melinda…I will always be here for you. Always. There isn’t anything that you could do to change how I….how I care about you. You’re my best friend no matter what. I won’t leave you.”

She pulled a hand away and reached up to brush away a tear that she’d tried to hold back. She nodded mutely before pulling away and going to sit on the couch. He followed her lead and sat down at the other end and waited. 

She sat with her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped securely around them. She sat silently and he wondered if she had changed her mind about talking, but eventually, she pulled in a deep breath and spoke quietly.

“All of our agents were in a trance. I took out the guards and went to free them, but none of them would go with me. They just kept saying they needed my pain. I thought it was the woman…that if I could just take her out they would snap out of it. She was fighting with me and I saw the girl. I had to get her out of there. I kept fighting, but she was so strong and she shot me in the leg. I couldn't get up...I...I finally managed to take her out, but the girl…the girl kept asking to feel my pain. I watched as men came in and she just took them out with a wave of her hand. I remembered her touching them outside...she controlled through touch and she kept coming closer…trying to touch me. She had this sinister look in her eyes...I've never seen anything like it...and I kept trying to back away from her. Then she brought our agents in, and they were still under her control. She was going to kill them too...I begged her to let them go. I kept pleading with her to stop...to put her hand down. My hand landed on my gun, and I just kept thinking about what she could make me do if she got to me…who she could make me hurt. Our agents were there…you were there…if she would have made me hurt you, Phil, I…” she swallowed hard and her knuckles were white where she gripped her knees so tightly. She shook her head and continued, “I couldn’t risk hurting our people. I shot her and it all stopped. Everyone snapped out of it, but she was just laying there. I crawled over to her and tried to stop the bleeding but...she just bled out in my arms. I killed her. I should have tried to knock her out…I should have thought of something else…I…”

He pulled her into his arms and held her tight.

“I’m so sorry, Phil…I should have done something. You must think I’m a monster. I killed a child,” She cried into his shoulder and her hands gripped the back of his shirt.

“Hey….stop that. You did good. You saved everyone. All of those people, Melinda, all of our people walked out of there because of you. You got them all out of there. You did what had to be done. I’m so sorry you had to do that, but it was the right thing, Melinda. You did the right thing.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like…like I’m drowning…like I’m broken. Why do I feel so broken, Phil? It doesn’t feel right…nothing feels right,” she confessed and her voice broke as she tried to fight back the emotions clawing their way out of her. 

“Shh…I know. I know,” he soothed. 

Suddenly she pulled away and her eyes darted to the door as she whispered, “You don’t have to stay…”

He cupped her face in his hands and pressed his lips to her forehead. “Hey, I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to get through this just…please just trust me.”

She nodded and a whimper slipped from her lips as she climbed into his lap. The sobs that racked her body felt like knives in his chest and he wished he could go back and change it all. He should have been in that building with her. He should have been there. He’d regretted it since the moment he had to watch her walk into that building alone. They both would have regrets to live with, but he wasn’t going to let them drown in them. 

He stroked her back and whispered softly to her until she was able to calm down. 

He offered her a smile when she pulled away and continued to trace his palm slowly up and down her back. 

“Why don’t we try the walk another day,” he suggested, “we could just watch another movie or play cards or something.”

She shook her head and wiped the tears from her face, “Just give me a minute and we’ll go.”

“We don’t have to…”

“Yeah, …we do. Just…stay with me, okay.”

“I will be all up in your personal space,” he promised with a playful smile. 

She shook her head and went to the bathroom to freshen up. He dried his own eyes and took a moment to process everything she had said. It made a lot more sense now. No wonder she had withdrawn from everything and everyone. 

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and fished it out to read the caller I.D.

Audrey. 

He sent the call to voicemail and sent her a text to let her know that he wouldn’t be able to make their dinner plans or her show later that night and apologized for not letting her know sooner. She understood she said. Of course, she did. She was the sweetest and most understanding person he’d ever met, and he wanted so badly to love her. There was that nagging little part in the back of his brain that whispered that he still could love her if he gave it a chance, but a moment later Melinda walked out of her room in jeans and an old sweater. Her eyes were red from crying, she wore no makeup and had simply run a brush through her hair, but he’d never seen anyone so beautiful. He knew for sure in that moment that he would never really be able to love anyone else. 

He needed to talk to Audrey. 

But first, he was going to take a walk around the block with his best friend. 

She reached for his hand as soon as they stepped out of her building. Her fingers were laced tightly with his and he worked desperately to keep his heart from racing and his breathing steady. Her free hand reached across to grab his arm, and he released her hand to wrap his arm around her shoulder and pull her in tightly to his side. 

She relaxed into his side as they walked and he started to mention various dinner options to her. 

She tensed when a mother and child stepped out of a cab and crossed in front of them. Her steps faltered and he held his breath while he gave her a moment. His hand moved slowly up and down her arm and he felt her square her shoulders and take first one step forward and then another until they were walking down the sidewalk as before. 

They entered the small corner grocer and he released her to be able to grab what he would need for dinner that night, and she tensed as the voice from a young girl carried across from another aisle. He just smiled at her and handed her the basket to hold and then took her free hand in his while he continued to pull items they needed and placed them in the basket. He felt the tension slowly drain from her body and she squeezed his hand in thanks. 

He took the basket back from her once they had everything he needed and they made their way to the checkout counter. He placed the basket down and pulled his wallet out before she could try to pay and she rolled her eyes with a huff. He simply squeezed her hand and went about finishing the transaction while the girl at the register gushed. 

“You guys are just the sweetest couple. How long have you been together?” She asked and he could practically see the cartoon hearts popping out of her eyes. 

He was about to correct her when Melinda took over. 

“We’ve been together for years…a decade at least.”

He waited for her to make some follow up remark about her being a mail order bride that he found on the internet or anything equally as shocking and embarrassing, but instead the clerk just went on about how good they looked together and how she hoped to find a love like theirs someday.

"You are just so cute to still be so in love after all this time," she continued while the receipt printed, "What's your secret?"

"Love and trust," Melinda answered and took the receipt while he slipped his wallet back in his pocket. "He's my favorite person, and there's no one I trust more than him."

"Well...I hope you're still this in love in another ten years."

Melinda thanked her. She THANKED her….and then they walked out. 

She was quiet as they walked back. She blushed and shrugged when she noticed his eyes glancing curiously in her direction. 

“It was just easier to say that than explain that you’re my best friend who has to walk me to the grocery store so I don’t freak out.” She said as they continued to make their way towards her apartment. 

He nodded in agreement but had to really work to keep the smirk hidden as he quipped, “Plus the huge crush you’ve been nursing for me all these years.”

“Well, that too,” she replied with a smirk of her own.

He smiled and soaked in her familiar teasing. “I knew you couldn’t resist my nerdy charm,” he continued, “I could tell you were into it.”

“Well, I guess I wasn’t as good at hiding it as I thought. I was convinced you never asked me out because I hid it so well,” she said, and suddenly he was having an internal panic attack because he wasn’t sure if she was teasing him or not…but, of course, she was obviously teasing him…but he couldn’t really ask her to clarify because if she was just joking it would make things very awkward. 

She squeezed his hand and he found her watching him when he turned his head to look at her. 

“You okay?” She asked and he nodded mutely and offered a smile. 

“Never better,” he assured her and squeezed her hand back as they walked up the stairs of her building. 

‘Except my heart and brain just simultaneously exploded,’ he thought.

He just needed to come up with a clever way to bring that back up again and get the answers he desperately needed. 

When she was able to get past this, he had every intention of asking some questions. 


	6. Chapter 6

She’d been quiet all morning so he was loath to leave her. She assured him that she was fine and he knew how unwise it would be to bring it up again. 

He’d mentioned going home to grab some fresh clothes and take care of a few things and, he could be imagining it, but she’d been a bit more subdued ever since. He was sure he was just being paranoid; she hadn't suddenly become co-dependent and would fall apart when he walked out the door. The truth was that he was worried that if he left he would end up back in the hallway spending nights outside her door, but he needed clothes and he needed to talk to Audrey. 

He stalled for a while until she caught on and told him to stop worrying. She rolled her eyes and assured him that she would be just fine without him, but he hesitated regardless. Finally, he squared his shoulders and moved towards the door. He glanced back to see her leaning her hip against the couch while she studied something on the floor with arms crossed defensively across her chest. 

He was in front of her in three large strides and tugging her into his arms. He kissed the top of her head and promised, “I’ll be right back.”

With a final kiss to her temple, he took a deep breath and turned back towards the door. This time he made it out of the apartment and the door closing behind him made his chest tighten painfully. He’d make this as quick as possible. She may be just fine without him while he was gone, but he’d be worried the whole time he was on this side of her door. 

He stood outside the door nervously and took a steadying breath before reaching up with a gentle rap of his knuckles against the wood. 

Audrey’s smile was vibrant as she opened the door and his stomach clenched a little. 

“Phil! What a great surprise!” She greeted him and hugged him tight before opening the door further to allow him to follow her in. 

“Can I get you anything? Coffee?” She offered and he shook his head with a sad smile. 

“I’m fine, thank you…I was just hoping we could talk.”

She nodded and offered him a sweet smile, “Of course, should we sit?” 

“Sure,” he agreed and followed her to the couch.

He took a deep breath and tried to conjure up the words he had rehearsed in the car on the way over but she held up a hand to stop him. 

“May I please just do something first?” She asked, and he nodded his consent. 

A moment later her hands were fisted in his jacket and her mouth was moving softly over his. She sighed against his lips, and finally he felt something. 

Regret.

She pulled away with closed eyes and the sweetest blush gracing her porcelain cheeks, and he wanted nothing more in that moment than to be someone else. 

Her eyes opened and she offered him a shy smile as she pulled away. “I’m sorry…I just thought since you were so shy, I might need to make the first move.”

His heart hurt as the hopeful look in her eyes faded to one of concern.

“Audrey…” he whispered, but she held up her hand and cut him off once more. 

“It wasn’t because you were shy was it? You hadn’t kissed me yet because you didn’t want to. I’m so sorry, Phil…I just thought…” she trailed off and she created a little more space between them on the couch in embarrassment. 

He shook his head, “I’m the one that should be apologizing. I’m such a jerk.”

She shook her head and confusion flitted across her face as she tried to figure out where this had all come from. “You’re the kindest man I know, Phil. I thought we were hitting it off…is it me? Did I do something?”

He felt the knot in the pit of his stomach tighten at her words and was quick to reassure her, “No…of course not! You’re incredible, Audrey. You’re so sweet and thoughtful, and I didn’t deserve a moment of your time.”

She nodded slowly and her hands toyed nervously with the hem of her sweater. She hesitated a moment before taking a deep breath and asking, “Is there someone else then?”

“Not like that…I’m not seeing anyone else.” He explained but felt he owed her his complete honesty so he took a steadying breath and tried to find the words explain, “I’ve had feelings for someone for….years actually…but we’re just friends…best friends…and I know that’s all she wants. I just… I thought I could move past what I feel for her. I know she’s…she’s never going to think of me like that. I just can’t get my heart to let go of her. I’ve been trying for years and you’re so wonderful…I thought that I could finally…gosh, I’m such a jerk, Audrey, and I never should have brought you into this…I just thought you could help me move on. It was wrong and totally unfair to you, and I’m so sorry.”

She was quiet for a moment before a sad smile graced her lips and she spoke up once more. “For what it’s worth, Phil. I still care about you and…I get it. I mean…it hurts…and that was a jerk thing to do….but you’re still the kindest man on earth and if I’m honest, I knew you weren’t quite free to be with me." She paused and her head tilted to the side as she studied his face and probed a little further, "It’s your friend, isn’t it? The one you work with?”

His eyes snapped to hers and he tried to suppress the look of surprise as he let out a shaky breath and confessed, “Yeah…how did you know?”

“She used to call you when we first started seeing each other. I know it was work stuff…but there was a look you got when you answered the phone. Your whole face changed. Even when you were talking about departure times or when she’d be calling you to say your boss needed you to come in earlier than planned…there was this light in your eyes…this smile on your face that always came when it was her on the other end…only with her."

She offered another sad smile as she continued, "I always suspected there was more there. I never thought you were seeing her…you’re not that kind of man…I just thought maybe she was the one that got away. I knew it was a risk to keep hoping you wouldn’t figure it out.”

“I’m so sorry I hurt you.” He said softly as he took in her words. He felt sick and just wished things would have been different. 

She reached over and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “I know you are.” 

She stood and tried to discreetly wipe a stray tear from her cheek. She brushed her hands over her sweater as he stood. “I have a rehearsal to get ready for…”

“Of course,” he replied with a soft smile, “don’t let me keep you.”

She walked him to the door and the air around them felt tense but the knot in the pit of his stomach was slowly loosening. 

“Take care of yourself, Audrey,” he said as he stood in her hallway once more. 

She offered him a sweet smile and a nod of her head. “You too, Phil. Don’t be a stranger…you can still come to hear me play when you’re in town.”

“I’d like that,” he agreed and with one last sad smile, he turned and walked away. 

  
It only took him a few minutes to grab some fresh clothes and a few personal items from his place, and now he was climbing the stairs to her apartment. He had been gone a little longer than he wanted and now he just really need to see her. He reached for the door and froze.

It was locked.

He told himself not to worry and took a deep breath to calm himself and then knocked on the door. There was no response so he tried again. 

“Melinda,” he called and tried to keep the desperation from his voice, “it’s Phil. Can you just let me in so we can talk? I’m sorry it took so long. I’m back now if you’ll just open the door.”

His efforts were met with silence. 

He dropped his bag and slid down the wall to take up residence in his old spot. He wiped his hand over his face and leaned his head back. He knew it was a mistake to leave. He’d finally gotten her to talk and let him in, and now he was back to where he started. 

His heart ached. 

“Melinda…can we just talk, please? I grabbed some movies from my place…a couple of romantic comedies for you to pretend not to enjoy…we can just watch those and we don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to…just please…please let me in.” 

He held his head in his hands with his elbows propped on his bent knees as the silence mocked him. 

He pulled out his phone and sent a simple text, “I’m sorry. Please just let me in and we can talk.”

He waited but no response came. He tossed his phone back into his bag and closed his eyes. 

Fifteen minutes later he checked his watch and gave one more glance to her door before deciding he’d wait another hour and then call it a night and try again tomorrow. He stood wearily and stretched stiff muscles. Maybe a walk down the hall and back would help restore some blood flow. He made a couple of laps and every little sound had his eyes darting to the door desperately. His chest tightened with each false alarm. 

He made his way back to the door and pressed his forehead to the wood and released a defeated sigh. 

“Please don’t shut me out again, Melinda. I’m sorry it took so long…I just had something I needed to do…but I’m back now…”

Suddenly his words were cut off and he had to grab the door frame to steady himself as the door he was leaning into moved. 

“Phil? What are you doing?”

He tried to form a response but the words stuck in his throat. He shook his head and gently pulled her to his chest. She was stiff at first but soon relaxed into his arms and pressed her head to his shoulder as he held her close. 

“I’m so sorry.” He breathed into her hair and she pulled back to look at him. 

“What for?”

“For being gone so long.”

Her brows knitted in confusion and she gave a little shake of her head at his worried tone. “Phil, I told you I would be okay. There was no need to rush.”

Now it was his turn to look confused and he gestured to the doorway they were standing in as he explained, “But the door was locked when I got back”

“Yeah…I was taking a shower” she said casually as she pulled back further to look at him without straining her neck. 

“But you locked the door.” He tried again, and she rolled her eyes.

“Umm…yeah…because I was in the shower…Why didn’t you just knock?” She asked as if he were missing the obvious. 

His arms left the hold they had on her to raise in exasperation. “I did! Like half an hour ago,” he exclaimed. 

“So….why didn’t you just knock again?” She asked with a shrug of her shoulders as if she wasn’t quite sure what the big deal was. Now that she was in front of him and her door was open invitingly behind them, he wasn’t quite sure what the big deal was anymore either. 

He smiled sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand and offered, “Can we just agree that I’m an idiot that overreacted and move this inside?”

“Sure!” She agreed readily and moved aside to allow him to step past her and into the apartment. She was willing to agree to him being an idiot but not so ready to just drop it altogether.

Her crossed arms and raised brow encouraged him to continue. 

He shrugged his shoulders with a tired half-smile and quietly explained, “I thought you had shut me out again.”

Understanding crossed her features, and her arms dropped to her side as his words washed over her. 

“I’m sorry. Here…let me just….” She opened the small drawer in the table by the door and rummaged around for a second before pulling something out and handing it to him.

“That way you don’t have to worry,” she explained softly. 

He stared at the key in his hand and smiled as he pulled her back into his arms. 

“Thank you.” He whispered gratefully. 

They stood there a moment longer and he soaked in the feel of her in his arms. She smelled sweet from the shower she had taken, and she was the perfect height for her head to tuck under his chin. 

Eventually, he pulled away and gave her some space. She had a soft blush on her cheeks and his heart filled at the sight of it. 

“I brought some cheesy romance movies over that you like so much if you want to watch one?” He suggested with a grin and she rolled her eyes. 

She feigned disinterest but a slight upturn of the corner of her lips gave her away as she said, “I guess if you really want to watch one I can tolerate it.”

He was so in love with her. 

Instead of confessing to that, he smiled happily and pulled the movies from his bag. “You can pick while I make us some popcorn.”

She nodded her head in agreement and a few minutes later she was joining him on the couch with a soft blanket and a couple of drinks for them. 

He sat down in one corner and schooled his features to hide his surprise when she sat down closely next to him. He rationalized that it was so that they could share the popcorn, but the way she spread the blanket over them both and slid a little closer gave him hope. 

Halfway through the movie she moved the popcorn bowl to the coffee table and slid a little closer still. She laid her head on his shoulder and his eyes closed from the happiness overload he was experiencing. 

“I’m glad you came back, Phil,” she said quietly and he smiled. 

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and watched as a smile stole across her face. 

“I always will.” He whispered back and thought those might be the truest words he’d ever spoken. He leaned his head back against the couch and let his eyes slide closed. 

Her soft voice pulled him from sleep a little while later. “Let’s go to bed, Phil,” she’d said and he couldn’t keep the smile from his face as he brushed his teeth and went through his nighttime routine. 

She was sitting up against the headboard as he walked into her room and he realized she was waiting for him. He willed his heart to slow and he reminded himself that this was about comfort and nothing more, but the way she slid closer to him in the darkness negated all of his convincing. 

This was what love felt like. It wasn’t the attraction or the rush of passion. It was the quiet moments of comfort and the sense of belonging that came from being in her orbit.

“Can I ask you something?” She asked softly and her voice cut through the darkness. 

He turned and propped himself up on his elbow as his eyes tried to adjust and make out her features. “Sure,” he said, and his brain tried to puzzle out where her thoughts were. 

She was on her side facing him and the silent pause told him that she seemed a bit hesitant to ask. 

“You can ask me anything,” he prodded and was able to see her enough now to recognize the smirk playing at the corner of her lips. 

“Do you own any shirts that don’t have a Captain America symbol on them?”

He rolled his eyes and flopped back onto his back with an exaggerated sigh. 

“So that’s a no then?” She pushed, and he couldn’t keep the grin from his face. 

He shook his head in feigned annoyance as he answered her. “I’ll have you know that I do have shirts that do not have Captain America on them….thank you very much.”

She was silent for a moment as she considered his words. “So just the Shield issued ones they gave you then.”

“Yep,” he replied immediately and the soft chuckle beside him made him ridiculously happy.

“Goodnight, Melinda,” he said and closed his eyes. 

It lasted less than a minute before he heard, “So like…how far does this obsession go, Phil? Are we talking boxers with his face on them…”

Her words were cut off by his pillow landing on her face and the muffled giggle that rang out beneath was by far the sweetest sound he’d ever heard. 

Her muffled, “Goodnight, Phil,” had him tugging the pillow off her face and tucking it back under his head with a flush of contentment filling him from the inside out. 

He was turned on his side facing her and she turned towards him with a playful spark in her eyes that he could see from the faint glow of the streetlights peeking through the blinds. Her hair was mussed and partly covering her face and she was so gorgeous he could hardly stand it. 

“Goodnight Melinda,” we whispered and closed his eyes. 

His smile grew as she whispered back, “Goodnight, Phil,” and silence settled over them once more. 

A few minutes later he felt a warm weight move over his hand where it rested on the mattress between them. He moved his hand over hers, and her fingers spread to allow his to fall between them. 

This was what love felt like. 

He fell asleep with the blissful knowledge that he’d found it. 


	7. Chapter 7

She woke once in the middle of the night, but she didn’t cry out or thrash around this time. Her hand simply tightened in his and she woke up with a gasp. He tugged her into his arms and moved his hand up and down her back soothingly until she was drifting off once more. Her head was tucked under his chin and her hands gripped the back of his shirt. He was just content to hold her and try to chase the demons away. 

He woke up once again to an empty bed. 

He rubbed his hand over his face and crawled from beneath the covers. He took his time making the bed and then moved into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Once he’d finished up, he walked into the living room expecting her to be finishing up her tai chi routine but stopped in his tracks when he saw her standing at the kitchen island sipping tea. She was dressed in dress pants and a button-up blouse, and he tried to puzzle out just why she was dressed in dress pants and a button-up blouse. 

She noticed his confusion as he moved towards her and a soft blush graced her cheeks under his scrutiny. 

“I thought I’d try going into work today,” she explained and her grip tightened around her mug in determination. 

He nodded slowly and stepped up to the island. “Sounds great,” he said and gave her a soft smile of encouragement. 

She turned and reached for the coffee pot and filled the mug she had set out for him. 

“We can drive separate if you want….in case I need to leave….that way you can stay at work and get some stuff done if you need to,” she offered and handed him the steaming mug. 

He took it gratefully and shook his head. “Where you go, I go, partner. If you feel like you need to leave then just text me. I’ll take you home.”

“You don’t have to…” 

“I know…" he interrupted with a warm smile, "but if you don’t feel like you can stay at work then that’s okay. I’ll take you home and hang out with you…you don’t have to be alone. Plus….we still have some movies I know you’re dying to watch and pretend you don’t like them.”

She smirked behind the rim of her cup and her brow arched as her eyes sparked with humor. “You know...I’m starting to think you’re just using me as an excuse to watch those movies, Coulson.”

“Pshh….no," he denied with a shake of his head, "I just watch them because I know you secretly like them….and I’m like…totally supportive cause I’m such a great friend.”

Her smirk grew. “Uh-huh….”

“I’m serious!” He argued and took a long sip of his coffee to hide his smile at her playful teasing. 

She tapped an elegant finger against her lip as she pretended to think it over. “Yeah….didn’t the movies you brought last night come from your house?”

He paused in mid-sip and the mug froze comically in the air as his eyes widened. He looked at his bare wrist as he declared, “Yikes…I better get dressed or we’re going to be late for work!”

“Busted,” she said with a smirk and shook her head as her tongue pressed against the inside of her cheek in amusement as he breezed past her on the way the shower. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…I’m just trying to get us to work on time, May!” He called out as he fled and smiled at the soft laugh she gave in response. 

He quickly showered and dressed and a smile stretched across his face when he stepped back into the kitchen and saw eggs and toast on the counter waiting for him. 

He thanked her with a quick kiss to her cheek and chuckled when her face scrunched in response. The way her eyes danced gave her away. No one would ever believe that Melinda May was the affectionate type, but he was perfectly content to indulge in that knowledge all by himself. 

She was quiet on the drive into work. Her knuckles where white where she gripped the travel mug of tea tightly in her hands. He fought the urge to ask her if she was sure; but this had been her idea, and no one had pressured her into it. If she wanted to turn around and go home, she would say so. He needed to push his own worry aside and give her control over what came next. He would support this step and be as encouraging as possible when they parted ways. She didn’t need to know how worried he was. He would just spend his entire day checking his phone just in case….and, of course, drop by on his lunch break to check on her. He was pretty sure he could come up with some random paperwork to deliver downstairs so he’d have an excuse to see her. 

“This isn’t me kicking you out,” she said quietly from the seat next to him. He took his eyes from the road long enough to throw her a puzzled expression.

She continued with a slight blush across her cheeks as she studied the mug of tea in her grip. “You said you wouldn’t leave until I kicked you out…and this is just me trying to move forward…not kicking you out yet.”

He nodded slowly as he tried to process her words, but she took his silence as hesitation and added, “You don’t have to….if you’re ready to go home…I wasn’t trying to…”

“Want to pick up something on the way home to cook at your place for dinner tonight?” He interrupted with a smile, “We can watch a movie and have an early night if you want. I have this great chicken pasta combo thing I’ve been wanting to try.”

He glanced over just in time to see the relief flicker across her face before she tucked it away and nodded compliantly. 

“Chicken sounds good. Maybe we can grab some ice cream for dessert…” she added and her fingers traced across the lid of her cup in feigned nonchalance that no one but him would pick up on. 

He smiled and nodded in easy agreement. “Who am I to say no to ice cream?”

“You could say no….but I’d just get it anyway,” she informed him with a playful smirk. 

"True," he agreed with a chuckle and pulled Lola carefully into an empty space in the parking garage. He pulled the keys from the ignition and turned to look at her. 

She was making no effort to get out of the car so he offered her a warm smile and reached for her hand. 

“This is just the next step…whenever you’re ready,” he spoke softly and gently squeezed her hand. 

She squeezed back and took a deep breath and let it out slowly to steady herself before releasing his hand with a determined nod and slid out of the car. 

They parted ways and it was all he could do not to turn back and watch her walk away. She needed to do this, and she needed him to believe that she could. 

He could give her that. 

He made sure that his phone was functioning properly as he made his way to the elevator to head to his office. 

He just needed to make it until lunch and then he could check on her. 

That was easier said than done. 

He spent more time staring at his phone than doing anything productive. The clock was moving slowly and he was currently digging through files to find anything that would need to be taken down to the administration office for approval. 

“Coulson, my office,” he heard ring out and snapped his head up just in time to see the black leather trench coat disappear from view. He stood and dutifully followed. 

He took a seat across the desk and waited. 

“How is she?” Fury asked without preamble and he knew there was deep concern beneath the direct, curt tone he used. 

“She’s here…” he started slowly as he tried to come up with a way to properly form and enunciate his thoughts, “she needs time…but she’s strong…and there’s more Melinda coming through every day. She just needs a chance to heal.”

He nodded and pushed a file across the desk towards him. “Good. I’ve got a job for you.”

He opened it hesitantly as Fury began to explain, “It’s called the Avengers Initiative. I want you to head it up.”

He swallowed as he looked over the file detailing his dream job. Each word on the pages in front of him highlighted the dreams of his younger self and all that he had hoped to achieve in his career. As he studied the file in his hand, all that he had ever wanted suddenly clashed with the one thing he couldn’t live without. He closed the file and slid it back across the desk. 

“I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t accept. Not yet,” he said and was surprised by the resolute determination that laced his voice. 

“She’ll be fine without you,” Fury coaxed knowingly, and he knew the man was right. He nodded in agreement. 

“I know, but I wouldn’t be fine without her. Once she’s ready to go back out, then I’ll go and do whatever you want us to.” He offered and squared his shoulders confidently under Fury’s scrutiny. 

He leaned back in his chair with his good eye keeping a steady watch over his reaction as he broached his next argument, “And what if she’s never ready to go back out?”

“Then we’ll be the best paper pushers that S.H.I.E.L.D has ever seen.” He replied with a smirk and leaned back in his own chair. 

He watched as Fury shook his head with a sad expression marring his features. “That’d be a waste of resources.”

“I know…” he agreed solemnly, “but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Meanwhile…I’ve got a lunch appointment to get to,” he said as he stood and moved towards the door. 

“Tell May I said hello!” Fury called out, and he nodded in agreement as he slipped from his office in search of his partner. 

His thoughts were surprisingly clear as he took the elevator down to the administration floor. That should have been a harder decision than it was, but he had no regrets as the doors swished open and he stepped out in search of her cubicle with styrofoam plates balanced in one hand and a couple of bottles of water tucked under his arm.

The soft smile she offered when she caught sight of him filled his heart and he gave a happy smile in response. 

He didn’t ask how her day was going, and he chose not to mention the job offer. Instead, he filled her in on the latest gossip going on upstairs and she commented on some of the random requests that she had denied that morning. Whoever had requested a dozen goldfish, thirty bags of marshmallows, and a few male dancers for a mission would need a better reason for Agent May than the “It’s part of the mission” excuse they had put on the form. He had a strong suspicion that Maria had been behind that once she had heard that Melinda had come in to work. She had her own methods of reaching out to check-in, and Melinda would much rather have it that way than a constant line of visitors asking if she was okay. 

“Brownies,” she said, and he was startled from his thoughts at the random suggestion. 

His quizzical look had her continuing in explanation. “We could make brownies tonight to go with the ice cream. I’m craving chocolate.”

“You’re always craving chocolate,” he teased, “but I will appease your sweet tooth and make you brownies….but you have to help.”

“I said, ‘we’,” she retorted with a roll of her eyes as she watched him clean up their plates and stand to head back to work. 

“Yeah…I heard…but I also know that sometimes your ‘we’ means ‘me’ so I felt the need to clarify,” he shot back.

“Get back to work, Coulson,” she admonished with a dismissive wave of her hand, and he shook his head with a smirk. 

He’d get back to his office to watch the clock and his phone again until it was time to take her home. 

She’d been quiet on the way home and he was worried the day at work had been a mistake, but as they stood at the kitchen counter cooking she seemed a little lighter somehow. It might have something to do with the little smear of brownie batter on her left cheek from the taste test she did. He pretended not to notice as he finished plating their dinner, but she looked cute and was even more distracting than usual. 

She slid the brownies in the oven and set the timer as he finished setting the table. 

“They should be ready by the time we’re done eating,” she declared with a satisfied smile on her face as she took the seat across from him and took a sip from her glass.

He watched her as they cleared their plates. She was quiet but in a comfortable way with a thoughtful expression on her face. 

He was curious to know what was on her mind and didn’t have to wait long.

“What do you crave?”

Well, that was a loaded question. Her expression was one of playful curiosity, but the spark in her eyes showed she understood how suggestive that sounded and was amused at his discomfort. He swallowed and tried not to choke as his brain worked overtime to formulate an appropriate response. 

She was aware of his attempt to answer safely and decide to show mercy and expanded on what she meant, “I know how you like your sandwich…how you prefer your coffee…your favorite meal…restaurant, drink, but not what you crave. You know I crave chocolate, so…what do you crave?”

The word ‘you’ danced across his tongue but he tightened his lips before it could slip out. If she would love him back then he was sure he wouldn’t want or crave anything else for the rest of his life. 

“Smarties,” he offered instead and watched as her brow raised in response. 

“You know…the little rolls of candy. I like to keep some in my jacket pocket…and there may or may not be a secret stash in my desk drawer…for emergencies of course.”

“Of course,” she agreed with a smirk. 

He smiled and pushed his empty plate away. “It seems random, but my dad always had some in the car for long drives. I guess it’s as much for nostalgia than anything.”

Her mouth opened to respond but the oven timer beeping had her moving to the kitchen instead. He grabbed the empty plates and moved to help her. She was pulling the ice cream from the freezer and a plastic knife from the drawer. 

“You can use it to cut the brownies while they’re hot and it won’t stick to the plastic,” she explained, and he watched as the knife moved smoothly through the hot pan. 

He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned his hip against the counter while he watched her fix their dessert. “That’s a nice little trick for someone who claims to be inept in the kitchen.”

Her hair had fallen forward in her face as she leaned over the dish but he could still make out the smirk tugging at her lips through the silky strands. 

“Maybe there’s some eggshell in the brownies,” she suggested and drizzled chocolate syrup over the ice cream with a practiced flourish.

He shook his head with a growing smile. “Or maybe you’ve just liked making me do the cooking all these years.”

“Who can say?” She said and her eyes danced playfully as she handed him a finished bowl. 

“You. You can say,” he insisted as he pulled spoons from the drawer and handed one to her. His eyes narrowed as he waited for her to come clean and confess. 

She shrugged and used the spoon to scoop up a bite, “I’d rather not,” she replied and the humor in her eyes made his own smile grow. 

The way her eyes closed in pleasure as the first taste of chocolate filled her mouth made his heart jolt painfully, and she hummed in delight. He hoped she didn’t notice the blush that crossed his cheeks, but the way she paused when she opened her eyes made him think she might have.

The blush that stole across her own cheeks proved it, and he cleared his throat and gestured to the couch. 

“Want to watch a movie while we eat this?” He asked and she nodded and followed him into the living room. 

They settled on the couch and ate dessert while the movie played. He felt her eyes on him and tried not to react. When he allowed himself to glance her way, her expression was contemplative and she turned her eyes back to the movie with that same thoughtful expression. 

He craved her…just her. She was beauty and grace carefully tucked into a controlled exterior. She was quiet, but when she spoke he lapped up her quick wit and humor. Her words, when they came, were weighted with wisdom and insight. Even now when she felt broken, she was a chalice of immeasurable worth, and he craved the chance to love her and be loved by her in return. 

It was her turn to blush under his stare, and he turned his eyes back to the movie.

They were both quiet as they readied for bed and his thoughts swayed between the playfulness she exuded earlier and her contemplative quiet that had dominated the rest of the evening. He had simply been surprised that morning that she had wanted to go to work and hadn’t given thought to the idea that these nights wouldn’t last until she had given him assurance that she wasn’t kicking him out. His heart had supplied the word ‘yet’ and he’d had fleeting moments throughout the day when his heart ached at the thought of their time together like this ending. He wanted more than anything for her to heal and regain some semblance of her old self, but he knew how hard it would be to go home again. 

The sight of her settled on the bed with her knees drawn to her chest pulled him from his thoughts and he smiled at the image she created. He pulled the covers back and slid beneath them with a tired sigh. Once she was sure that he was settled, she reached over and turned off the bedside lamp. They laid there in the dark side by side and he closed his eyes. They popped open a moment later when he felt her warm body press to his side and her arm draped across his waist. Her cheek pressed to his shoulder and she lifted her head briefly for him to move his arm around her. 

“Figured I’d just end up here eventually…” she spoke and her breath whispered against his neck. 

His only response was to press a kiss to the crown of her head and tighten his arm around her. Her hand moved from his hip to slide up his chest and he put all thought and effort into not shivering under her touch. He moved his free hand to lay over hers where it rested above his heart and he could swear she sighed in response. 

This was exactly what he craved. 

Falling asleep with the love of his life wrapped in his arms; content to just be together and seek comfort and solace from each other at the end of the day. A lifetime of regrets fading with the feel of her fingertips curling into the fabric of his shirt. Years of longing finding closure in the feel of her nose brushing against his shoulder. 

If she never loved him back, he would spend his life reliving the feel of this moment and the intimacy that came with the trust she was bestowing upon him in the darkness of her room. 

He had almost drifted off when she turned her cheek to press a kiss to his shoulder and her whispered goodnight ghosted across his neck. 

He laid there in the dark for a while wide awake and madly in love.

“Goodnight my love,” he whispered eventually as his eyes grew heavy, and he drifted off to sleep before he could see the way her lips curled up in the sweetest smile.   



	8. Chapter 8

They fell into a routine over the next few days. They went to work, shared their lunch break, and at the end of every day they went home together. 

On the third night, he walked out of the bathroom rubbing a towel over his wet hair when he saw her emptying a drawer and carefully placing the contents from his go-bag into it. 

“I just thought this would be easier for you to find stuff,” she explained with a blush, “You can move it back if you want.”

“No,…that’s very thoughtful, thanks,” he assured her quickly with a soft smile as he tried to play it cool; but his heart was hammering, and he felt a sense of permanence wash over him. 

Hanging his suits in her closet the next night just made sense. 

Each day he watched as she grew more and more at peace with herself. Her wounds were healing, and he was relieved to see her becoming more and more like the Melinda May he’d always known. He just wished that relief wasn’t shadowed by the fear that he was running out of time to be with her the way they were now. 

They took a walk yesterday after work. There were children and families sprinkled along their path, but she didn’t tense up or panic. She simply tightened her hold on his hand and kept walking. She portrayed the perfect picture of calm, and only someone as adept at every facet of her like he was would have picked up on the slight tightening of her jaw. His thumb brushing over the back of hers had her relaxing and offering him a warm smile. She leaned into him as they walked and he couldn’t have wiped the smile off of his face for anything. 

He’d never been so happy…so hopelessly in love with the girl at his side. 

She was quiet on the way home from work tonight, and he tried to give her space to work through whatever was on her mind. The silence as she sat across from him at dinner gnawed at him until he finally broke and had to address it. 

“Want to talk about what’s bothering you?” He asked gently, and she put her fork down and narrowed her eyes. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked bluntly, and he wracked his brain to try to figure out what she meant. 

He studied her with furrowed brows, but she gave no indication of what she was referring to. “About what?” He finally asked when nothing came to his mind. 

She stared silently for a moment as if trying to determine if he was truly confused or just keeping it from her. “About the job Fury offered you?” She finally replied with a huff and roll of her eyes. “That’s your dream job, Phil. You should have taken it.”

He wasn’t sure how she found out about it, but he had never lied to her before and he wasn’t about to start now. Instead, he tried a different tactic. 

“And what about you?” He asked as he leaned back into his chair and studied her face as calmly as he could manage. 

Her eyes narrowed in response. “What about me?” She asked and the tone in her voice warned him to tread carefully. 

He placed his own silverware down and prepared for battle. He folded his hands and rested them on the table as he tried to center his thoughts and help her understand his reasoning. It all came down to one thing. “Did you really think that there was any chance I would leave you here to go through this alone?”

She deflated a bit at his words and shook her head. She stared down at her hands where they were settled in her lap and her voice was soft and sad as she replied, “You shouldn’t have turned it down, Phil. I don’t want you to give anything up for me”

“And I don’t want to give YOU up for anything.” He replied and tried to keep his voice steady while he worked to impart all the things his heart was aching to express to her. “You’re what matters to me, Melinda…what’s most important. Who cares if I have my dream job if I don’t have you to share it with. This wasn’t about you needing me…it was…it’s about me needing you,” he explained and her eyes softened. 

“Phil…” she breathed and he swallowed and took a moment to focus his thoughts as he tried to be clear while treading carefully across the lines of demarcation they currently held between deep friendship and his love for her. 

“You’re my best friend….my partner…the only one I trust to have my back. I’m not going to do it without you,” he finally got the courage to say. 

She was quiet for a moment. He could see the way she worried her bottom lip and the tense set of her shoulders. She didn’t look up as the confession slipped from her lips, “I’m not ready to go back out there, Phil.”

It was his turn to deflate and he offered her a soft smile as he settled back into his seat. 

“I know,” he said with a nod, “I’m not asking you to. I’m just…I just want to be here with you…for you...while we work through this. Don’t kick me out yet….please, Melinda.”

They sat silently and he held his breath waiting for her response…hoping she would come around and understand where he was coming from and what he was asking. 

Her quiet, “Okay” sent relief washing over him. 

“Okay?” He asked cautiously and tried to keep his knee from bouncing nervously under the table. 

She picked up her fork and pushed the leftover food around on her plate. “Yeah….okay,” she agreed. 

The sense of peace that washed over him then cast a calm across his heart, and his spirits lifted. He was determined to help hers do the same. 

“Let’s clean up dinner and watch a movie. Sound good?” He suggested and stood to take their plates. 

“Yeah…sounds great, Phil” came her soft reply, and she grabbed their empty glasses and joined him at the sink. 

She was quiet as they worked, and he knew her and the line of thought her mind was taking. He took the last dried dish from her when she was finished and tossed the towel on the counter before taking her hand and leading her to the couch.

She seemed surprised at first but followed him willingly, and he smiled at the reminder of the trust she had in him. 

He sat down and tugged her down to rest beside him.

“This is what I want, Melinda. Honestly, …it was the easiest decision I’ve ever made and I have no regrets,” He assured her. 

“It’s just…if it wasn’t for me…”

“If it wasn’t for you I probably wouldn’t have made it out of the academy. I definitely wouldn’t have survived Russia cause I’m pretty sure that none of those guys had cats…and I wouldn’t be half the man I am. You’re the difference-maker in my life, Melinda. You know if our positions were reversed you would have made the same choice. There will be other jobs…but there’s only one you…and I can’t…I can’t lose you. Okay?”

“Okay,” she replied softly, but this time there was a soft smile tugging at the corner of her mouth and a flash of understanding in her eyes. 

He turned the tv on and pulled the blanket from the back of the couch to drape over them as she settled against his side. 

  
Two days later he was at his desk catching up on mission reports when a shadow fell over his file and he looked up to see Fury casually leaning against his doorframe. 

“I’m here to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative…” Fury started, but he just shook his head and went back to studying his files. 

“I thought I already turned that down” he reminded him and glanced up to see the smug smile spread across the man’s face. 

He shrugged and stepped into the office closing the door behind him as he took the seat in front of his desk and casually offered, “Things changed. I’m here to renegotiate.”

“I already told you that I can’t accept right now,” he said and crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned back into his chair. 

Fury’s good eye narrowed and the smile faded into a more serious expression as he warned, “You know that I could order you to do it, right?”

“But you won't,” he answered calmly, “…because you know why I’m turning it down and you get it.”

He huffed at that and leaned back in his seat with a roll of his eye, “Yeah…but you’re not going to turn it down this time.”

“I’m not?” He questioned and watched as the smug look appeared on his face once more. 

“No, you’re not. I’m going to add Agent May to the team,” he stated with confidence and a look that dared him to argue the words he’d just thrown out. 

He wasn’t phased and simply shook his head as he picked up the file once more with a firm reminder, “She’s not ready to go back in the field.”

“She won’t have to. She’s going to handle training the team and get them ready to go out. She’s the best, and if I can’t get her out there then I want her training the ones that we send…”

“Uh-huh, and just how do you plan to talk her into this?” He asked skeptically. He knew better than anyone there was no talking Melinda May into doing anything she didn’t want to. 

“I don’t have to. It was her idea,” Fury stated and watched the look that crossed over his face. That one got his attention. 

“Her idea?” He asked as his brain tried to keep up with the revelation he’d just been exposed to. 

Fury’s smug grin faded as his words softened to mold around the explanation. “She knows this job is important to you and you won’t do it without her….she found a way to make it work.”

“Huh”

Fury slid his arms over the armrest of the chair as he leaned back and the arrogant smirk spread once more across his face. “Maybe you two idiots should talk about why neither of you can function without the other,” he suggested. 

“We’re friends and…” he tried, but Fury held up his hands to halt the excuse that he knew was forthcoming. 

He stood with a roll of his eyes and walked towards the office door. “Yeah….I don’t think she would have come out of that cubicle for Maria. Friends my ass…” he threw over his shoulder and left a befuddled Phil Coulson sitting at his desk trying to process the choice his best friend and just made. 

  
He was waiting for her by the car when she got off work. Her brow arched in surprise to see that he had beaten her there for once, but he barely noticed past the thrumming of his heart. 

“You don’t have to do it,” he said as soon as she was close enough to hear. 

She nodded knowing exactly what he was referring to. “I know,” she explained, “but I don't want you to give up this job for me...and if I can't be there to watch your back, then I want to make sure whoever is can get the job done.”

“But I…”

“I just need you to come home, Phil,” she interrupted, “I need to be sure that you’ll come home to me.”

His breath caught in his throat, and a blush stole across her cheeks as she realized what she said. She maintained eye contact and he could tell by the way she squared her shoulders that she was determined to appear unflustered. 

He wasn’t sure what possessed him, perhaps it was the way his heart raced at her words, or how much her decision was affecting him, but he was more inclined to believe it was the way her eyes held his with such apparent devotion that made him cup her jaw and lean in to brush his lips across hers. 

It was a feather-light touch and he pulled away hesitantly. He was too scared to open his eyes and see her reaction. Her silence efficiently warned him that he had crossed a line and he formed the apology on his lips as he willed his eyes to open. 

She was watching him with a mix of curiosity and uncertainty and his stomach knotted as he tried to think of any way of salvaging what they had. 

“Melinda I’m so sorry…,” he tried, but his words were silenced by the feel of her lips moving over his. 

“I’m sorry too,” she replied as she pulled away.

The smirk that pulled at the corner of her lips overwhelmed him and had him working hard to form any semblance of words. 

She took his silence as permission and tiptoed up to kiss him once more. She allowed her lips to linger over his a little longer this time. 

“Sorry again,” she whispered, and her eyes were dancing playfully as she pulled back, “Mmm…why are we apologizing?”

“Because you’re still recovering and it’s too soon for me to be kissing you.”

“Hmm…okay,” she said with a nod of her head and moved to the passenger side of the car. 

He watched with obvious confusion as she slipped into her seat and began to buckle. Unsure of what was going on in her mind, he followed her lead and slid into the car. 

“Are we going to talk about this?” He asked, and she just shrugged. 

“What’s to talk about? You've decided that it's too soon for you to be kissing me. So what are you thinking for dinner? Italian?” She asked and his brain worked to keep up with the topic change. 

Not to be deterred he probed further, “So….you agree it’s too soon for me to be kissing you?”

She smirked and crossed her arms over her chest as she leaned back and continued with amusement lacing her tone. “I don’t know, Phil. Why don’t I just sit back…relax…and you can tell me when it’s time for you to kiss me. You will tell me, right? Is there a clock or calendar I should be watching?”

“You’re mocking me.” He stated with a nod of his head. 

The dramatic hand pressed to her heart confirmed it despite her words. “Oh, no….I would never. Your kisses are powerful….it could really set me back if you unleash all of that on me too soon.”

“You’re totally mocking me”

“Yep! You’re an idiot, Phil,” she stated but the way her tongue pushed against the inside of her cheek and her eyes danced with humor took the sting from her words and left him feeling deliriously happy instead. 

He nodded his head with a smile as he concurred, “We’ve agreed on that very fact for years.”

She laughed softly but took a steadying breath before continuing, “Seriously, Phil…I get it. I am still healing…trying to make sense of it all and move on with my life. I’m probably not in the best place emotionally to start a relationship.”

“But?” He prodded hopefully and was awarded a faint smile tugging at the corner of her lips. 

“But this…you and me….it’s been a long time coming, and I don’t want to wait around and miss our chance,” she said softly and shrugged her shoulders with a helpless sigh. 

He nodded in agreement and tried to think past the pounding of his heart in his ears. “Okay…." he breathed, "so let’s make a plan”

“A plan?” She asked and turned in her seat to face him fully as she waited to hear what he had come up with. 

“Yeah,” he said with a nod and took a moment to form his thoughts before continuing, “When you’re sure you’re ready…just let me know and I’m in…no questions. I’ll trust you to know yourself and what you're ready for.”

“Deal,” she agreed with a smile as she turned back in her seat and settled in for the ride home. 

“See….I’m not a total idiot,” he muttered as he started the car and pulled out of the parking garage.

“Not today anyway” she quipped and he shook his head as a smile spread across his face. 

There was a different tension in the air that night as they ate dinner and went about their usual nightly routine. They were right on the edge of something incredible and knowing they were simply one conversation away from having it left a spark in the air around him. It wasn’t uncomfortable like he had imagined it would be. Instead, it was a fusion of hope and longing that finally had their place between them. Knowing she was on the same page left him feeling more relaxed and confident. There was no pretense as she slid into beds and straight into his arms that night. The way she pressed against his side with her leg over his thigh felt comfortable and right. The soft hum of pleasure when he pressed a kiss to the top of her head made his heart fill, and there was no need for hesitation when he held her hand in his over his heart. The next step was coming and for now, he was content to wait. 

All he had to do was wait. 


	9. Chapter 9

It was hard to wait, and he was convinced a few days later that she was drawing it out just to mess with him. 

She would casually reach across him to grab something from the side table next to him, touch his arm or shoulder a little more, or brush her nose across his neck as they settled in bed each night. Each lingering touch or conversation laced with flirting was torturous as he waited for her to let him know she was ready. 

When her hand “accidentally” brushed his backside in the crowded elevator on the way down to the parking garage the previous evening he knew she was just playing him. The teasing glint in her eyes when he turned to her with an accusing look was the only evidence he needed. 

This was the Melinda May from before Bahrain shining through. She was teasing and playful and full of life in these moments, and he would let her draw this sweet torture out for years if it brought more of her to life like this. He had been so afraid that he’d never see this side of her again. 

She looked good training Natasha Romanoff through a series of defensive maneuvers. He’d always loved watching her spar, but to see the light in her eyes as she squared off with someone as impressive a fighter as she was brought an energy to her he hadn’t seen in quite some time. Her face held an impassive expression which made her hard to read. To the average observer, she would almost appear bored, but he was no average observer. He was a man who had been desperately in love with her for years and he knew all of her tells. Even from his place hidden in the darkened corner of the gym he could tell by the barely discernible rise and fall of her chest that her breathing was slowing meticulously. She was breathing a little deeper and slower to build her energy, calm her heart rate, and force her body to relax and wait for Natasha to make the next move. There was also the slightest glint in her eyes that proved how much fun she was having as she toyed with the restless opponent. 

Melinda could tell she was growing impatient and arched an eyebrow in silent challenge barely a moment before Natasha launched her attack and took Melinda with her to the mat, but she had anticipated that and used the momentum to flip Natasha over her while she rolled and popped back up effortlessly. To her credit, Natasha landed on her feet in a crouched maneuver grinning like she was enjoying the competition just as much as Melinda was. The next few minutes passed with a blur of activity as they traded kicks and jabs. They seemed evenly matched, but Melinda’s experience and sometimes infuriating patience in battle gave her the advantage and before long she decided to really show her skill. She charged towards Natasha and before the agent could react, Melinda jumped, wrapped her legs around the girl's neck, and twisted her hips as gravity pulled her back down which flipped Natasha onto the mat with a thud and groan. She was breathing heavily and for a moment he was worried she was hurt, but a slow grin spreading across her face and her energetic cry of, “Show me how you did that!” Had Melinda smiling too as she reached down a hand to help her up. 

“You want next, Phil?” Melinda called out, and he smiled as he pushed off the wall he’d been leaning against and walked towards them. Of course, she had known he was there. No one sneaks up on Melinda May. 

“You know…I totally would, but gee…would you look at the time…?” he replied and his smile grew as Melinda rolled her eyes. “Would you give us a minute?” He asked Natasha and she nodded in compliance as she took her towel and water bottle to the bench on the far side of the training room. 

Melinda took a sip from her own water bottle as she waited for him to reveal his reason for dropping by during her training session. 

He watched her expression carefully as he began to speak, “I have to go. There’s an artifact Fury needs me to check out…I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone.”

“When do you leave?” She asked slowly with a nod and studied her water bottle while she waited for his response. She could handle it. She was in a better place now, and he had work to do. She didn’t need him to keep putting his career on hold to sit around holding her hand. 

Her face was set in an expression of determination, but there was the slightest look of apprehension in her eyes that made his heart clench. “Half an hour. Will you be alright?”

The apprehension was quickly replaced with a steely glint, and her eyes shot to his with a look that promised a quick death if he didn’t tread carefully. “I’m not a helpless child…”

“Melinda,” he interrupted and the softness of his voice shut down the protest she had waiting on the tip of her tongue. 

The steely glint was replaced with affection as she realized his hesitance to leave was just as much about him as it was her. “Yeah, Phil, I’ll be okay,” she offered softly instead and then as the reality of his departure set in a slight feeling of unease filled her belly. “You can check on me at night if you want…” 

“Everyday,” He vowed and watched as a smile tugged at the corner of her lips. 

She nodded and playfully rolled her eyes as she pretended to give in to such a hardship. “If you insist,” she sighed dramatically. 

He smiled at her playfulness but the smile soon slipped from his lips as he struggled to leave. He pulled her in close and pressed a kiss to the top of her hair. “I’ll be home as soon as I can,” he whispered. 

She nodded against his shoulder and tried to figure out why this was so hard. He wouldn’t be gone long. He’d be back soon and she could handle being alone. That thought brought reality crashing into her. It wasn’t that she couldn’t handle being without him. It was that she didn’t want to be. She wanted to be with him, and it was time to take steps toward that. She took a breath to calm her nerves before quietly bringing it up. “When you get home…maybe we should talk…about us moving forward.”

He swallowed hard as the meaning of her suggestion washed over him. She looked up at him in concern as if his silence meant perhaps he had changed his mind, but as the smile grew across his face until it reached up to add a spark of happiness to his eyes she relaxed into his arms and pressed her forehead to his shoulder. Her own smile was hidden against his suit jacket, but he felt it all the same. 

“You should go,” she quietly spoke up as she moved away. 

His heart ached at the thought of leaving her and he wanted nothing more at that moment than to call Fury and tell him to find someone else for the mission. His place was wherever she was. He took both of her hands in his own and opened his mouth to make the suggestion but she raised a brow and shook her head. 

“Don’t even think about it, Phil. You need to go. I’ll be fine.”

Deep down he knew she would be but he couldn’t seem to shake the feeling of foreboding that filled him at the thought of leaving her. 

“I know…” he conceded, “but I’ll miss you.”

He valued his life far too much to ever mention the slight sheen of moisture in her eyes at his softly spoken sentiment, but he tucked the knowledge of it away to reflect upon and cherish.

“I’ll miss you too,” she replied before squaring her shoulders with determination. “You should go.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, “I’ll call you tonight. Stay out of trouble while I’m gone.”

“I should be saying that to you,” she teased, “I won’t be there to rescue you if something goes wrong.”

He shook his head and stepped back as he prepared to leave. “True…guess I’ll have to rely on my own skills and charm this time.”

“Be safe, Phil.” She said, and though her eyes still held a playful expression, he heard the slightest trace of worry in her tone. 

He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I’ll be home soon,” he promised and turned and walked out of the gym before he could change his mind. 

She watched him walk out before squaring her shoulder and turning back to where Natasha was sitting on the bench across the room trying desperately to look like she hadn’t been watching their exchange. 

She prepared herself for whatever teasing remark or question about the nature of her relationship with Coulson was coming, but the young agent surprised her by jumping straight to business. 

“Show me how you did that move, and then show me how to keep you from using it on me again.”

She smiled at Natasha’s ambition and stepped back on the mats to get back to work. She needed a good spar to help her refocus. She’d be okay. 

  
She was fine all day. She trained with Natasha on hand to hand combat for a couple of hours and then met with Clint Barton for weapons training. She made it home, showered, fixed dinner, and even settled on the couch for a movie. She was fine. 

The movie ended and Coulson still hadn’t called, but she was fine. She cleaned up and went through her nightly routine and was fine. 

She walked into her room to settle into bed and gripped her phone tightly in her hand. 

She was fine. 

She hadn’t slept alone in months. 

The nightmares were becoming less frequent, and there was a good chance she wouldn’t even have one tonight. She could calm her mind…maybe read something light before going to sleep, and she would be fine. 

She was fine. 

She slid beneath the cool sheets and placed the phone on the nightstand beside her. The bed felt big and empty and she shook her head to clear that thought from her mind. She picked up her book and opened it to where she had left off a few days earlier. She read the same section three times before she marked the page and set the book down. Her chest felt tight, but it wasn’t panic or fear. It was longing. She missed him. She should be mad at herself for being so bent out of shape over a man of all things, but one glance at the empty space beside her had a lump forming in her throat. She climbed out of the bed and moved towards the dresser until she reached the drawers that held his clothes. She paused for a moment as she second-guessed herself and realized how ridiculous she was being. Her hands fell to her side and she turned to head back to bed, but her resolve held for only the briefest moment before she was turning back towards the dresser and tugging the drawer open. The Captain America shirt he often slept in was folded neatly on the top and she pressed it to her face and breathed in. She smiled as his familiar scent filled her lungs and there was no hesitation as she pulled her own shirt off and placed it neatly back into the drawer with her sleep clothes before pulling his over her head. The feel of the cool cotton skimming over her skin mingled with his scent calmed her, and she smiled as she slipped back beneath the covers. 

She turned the lamp off and turned on her side away from the empty space beside her. She had been tossing and turning for a good fifteen minutes, before giving up and turning the lamp back on with a frustrated groan. She grabbed her book and decided to try again in hopes of wearing her brain out enough to rest. The phone ringing beside her made her jump, but her entire body relaxed as his name scrolled across the caller ID. 

“Did I wake you?” He asked concerned as soon as she connected the call. 

“No…I couldn’t sleep.” 

“Hmm…Hold on! I have an idea!” He said and the call was disconnected before she had a chance to reply. She stared at the phone in confusion. She only had a moment to think about it before she heard a persistent beeping noise. She followed the sound to the living room where she had left her laptop and she smiled as the realization came. She opened her laptop and connected the call. The smile on his face as the video chat connected made her heart skip in her chest. 

“Hi,” he said and the skipping turned to a flip and jolt of affection. “Want to take me to bed?”

“Excuse me?” She questioned with a raised brow but a look of mock innocence filled his face.

“I meant to take the computer to bed with you so we can talk until you fall asleep! Get your mind out of the gutter, Melinda May! I’m a gentleman,” he playfully protested and she chuckled as she made her way back to the bed with laptop in hand. 

She placed the screen in his empty spot and laid down on her side facing it. She smiled as he mirrored her position in his own bunk. 

“We've had some electrical issues, but I think my bunk is far enough away from the source to keep a steady connection. So...tell me about your day,” he asked and tucked his arm under his head as he got comfortable. 

“Oh, you know…just training your agents so they can get you out of trouble when I’m not around. Tell me about your day,” She prompted and his eyes filled with excitement.

“It’s an 084…and it’s really cool. I wish you were here, Mel. I can’t tell you any details yet…it’s all classified….but its heavy and none of our equipment can move it. Barton got here an hour ago…they’re bringing in extra help to guard it until we can figure out how to get it back to base. Just so you know...he's telling everyone he beat you in target practice today.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes, “One time…out of fifteen rounds….by one point. I had to beat him five more times after that to get his ego back in check. I was glad when Maria called him out for assignment. I didn’t realize he was headed to you or I could have sent you a care package along.”

“Uh-huh…a care package? Filled with snacks like summer camp?”

She smiled and shook her head, “More like a first aid kit…hidden weapons for when you get yourself in trouble…a tracking device to hide in your shoe so we can find where they’re keeping you…”

“Hey! I can take care of myself!” He argued but laughed softly at her teasing. He smirked and nodded at her through the screen as he raised one brow and asked, “Would you at least send me my shirt or do you plan to hold onto that one?”

She hoped he couldn’t see how much she was blushing through the screen but was determined not to show even a hint of embarrassment. “I was just…” she started but paused as he moved out of the screen to reach down beside his bunk. 

“Maybe we can trade when I get back…” he said with a smile and slight blush as he held up a familiar piece of gray cloth. It was one of her favorite old t-shirts to wear around the apartment, and she realized why she had been unable to find it earlier that evening. 

“I knew I’d miss you…and it smells like you,” he confessed. His cheeks got a little redder as he continued. “That’s weird, right? That I brought your shirt on a mission so I’d have something that smelled like you.”

She laughed softly and shook her head, “It be weird if you were wearing it. I’m not really in a position to say anything,” she said and pulled the collar of his shirt up to her nose with a smile. 

“In my defense, you had accidentally mixed it in with mine when I did laundry last night and I came across it when I was packing.”

Her smile turned to a pleased smirk. “That wasn’t an accident. I slipped it into your clothes so you’d wash it for me.”

He laughed and shook his head. He should have known. “That was sneaky. I don’t even feel bad now that I stole it. Finders keepers, Melinda.”

“We’ll work out a prisoner swap when you get back,” she suggested and fluffed the pillow under her head as she settled into a comfortable position. 

“Deal," He agreed, and the overwhelming urge to reach through the screen and brush his fingertips across the delicate skin of her cheek flooded his heart. "I'm sorry it took me so long to call. It’s been crazy since I got here trying to secure the sight. I didn’t feel comfortable going to my bunk until Barton got here. There's still a lot to do, but my eyes started to feel like sandpaper so I’m going to catch a couple of hours of sleep and get back to work.”

“I should let you go so you can get some rest.” 

“No, I want to talk to you. I know you’re probably fine, but sometimes night time is a little harder so I thought I could keep you company until you fall asleep. And…I really miss you.”

She swallowed past the lump in her throat that had formed at his thoughtfulness. Even far away wherever he was, he would make sure she didn't have to face her demons alone. “I miss you too,” she managed to reply and the smile that lit up his face radiated happiness and pleasure. She was pretty sure her expression seemed the same to him. 

“Good! Why don’t you close your eyes and I’ll tell you stories about Captain America.”

“Seriously?”

“Well, you are wearing his shirt.”

“I’m wearing your shirt...your very nerdy shirt. It just has his shield on it,” She argued but the satisfied smirk on his face had her eyes rolling in mock annoyance. “Okay…fine…tell me all about Captain America,” she sighed. 

He smiled and waited for her eyes to close before he started telling her everything he could think of about his hero. Fifteen minutes later the rise and fall of her chest settled into a steady rhythm and his own chest filled with longing. He really missed her, and as exciting as a mysterious unmovable hammer was, the best part of his day was talking to his best friend and watching the love of his life fall asleep. He allowed himself a few more minutes before closing his computer and settling in to rest. He had almost drifted off when the blaring of the perimeter breach signal went off. 

He was already back in his suit and on the way to the command center when Sitwell’s call came through. 

It was going to be a long night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting. My workload tripled with quarantine, but I hope to be in a place where I can get back to frequent updates for all my stories. Thanks for your patience and continued support!
> 
> *Also the move described was one that Natasha uses in the beginning of The Avengers when Coulson calls her in. I just thought that would be a fun tie in.


	10. Chapter 10

He’d met a god. He literally met a god from another planet, but all he could think about was getting home to Melinda. When did he turn into this lovesick sap who couldn’t appreciate a good battle with actual gods because he missed a girl? He should be ashamed, but when he thought about seeing her and the talk about their future together she mentioned wanting to have, it seemed justifiable to be so love-sick and sappy. Who needs gods when he has a goddess waiting for him to come home? Oh geez, that was bad. If he ever said something like that to Melinda she would punch him in the face. Good thing he was leaking all the sap out before he saw her. 

He’d be home in a few hours. He checked his watch again and leaned back into his seat as his shoe tapped impatiently on the deck. He froze mid tap when the agent across from him gave him an annoyed look. He moved on to quietly tapping his fingers on his thighs. 

The battle was over and the cleanup crews had arrived to take care of the rest. He really hoped that Melinda would get a redacted version of the briefing. He didn’t want to have to explain how he tried to talk down a giant evil machine with a megaphone and got several Shield issued vehicles blown up. Plus he wanted to be the one to tell her about the cool nickname Thor had given him. “Son of Coul.” Maybe he could put that on a t-shirt or something. He shook his head. He was such a dork, but at least his nerdiness was drowning out a little of the sappiness. All thoughts nerdy and sappy alike fled from his mind as the familiar feel of the landing gear lowering could be felt.

She was in the hangar when he landed. His heart had raced with anticipation at seeing her again…until he did…and the look on her face as she stood there with her arms crossed over her chest told him he was in trouble. 

“You’re an idiot.”

Okay. He was in big trouble. 

Her eyes were narrowed as she stared him down and there was the slightest twitch in her jaw. “Seriously, Phil? You just walk out there with a megaphone to talk to a giant metal monster and you ask him to identify himself?”

Okay. So she got the full report then. 

“I thought he was one of Stark’s new toys!” He defended. 

Her arms uncrossed and her hands rested on her hips in exasperation.“The giant tornado that spit him out didn’t clue you in?”

“Okay,” he nodded knowing that it was in his best interest to agree with her and hope she accepted his surrender. “Good point…but to be fair….Stark has a lot of crazy ideas. I wouldn’t have put it past him…”

“Idiot.”

“You keep saying that…” he remarked, but then her control slipped for just a moment and behind the anger, he saw fear. “Hey…I’m okay. I was an idiot, and I’m sorry. I promise not to approach scary metal monsters ever again without a tank and full armament.”

She flashed him an angry glare so he tried again, “I really am sorry Melinda, and I really will be more careful. I promise. Can we just go home after my debrief with Fury? I really missed you and just want to go home.”

Her look softened at that. He wasn’t sure if it was from the mention of missing her or his reference to her apartment being home to him too, but he was relieved to see the anger subsiding and the softness filling her eyes once more. 

“Go meet with Fury. I have a couple of things to finish up but I should be done by the time you are and then we can grab some dinner and head home.”

“That sounds perfect. I’ll see you soon,” he said with a smile and started to make his way towards Fury’s office. 

He’d only taken one step before her hand grabbed his wrist and pulled him back. He didn’t even have a moment to register the change in direction before her arms were wrapped around him and he was being held tightly in her arms. 

“I just…” she tried to explain but he wrapped his arms around her small frame and held her just as tightly.

“I know,” he said and pressed a kiss to her hair as his eyes closed.

She pulled back a moment later with a blush on her cheeks as she looked away. 

“I’m going to get this debrief done as quickly as possible. Be thinking about what you want for dinner. I’ll even cook for you if you want.” 

She nodded and started walking towards the training room. 

“You’re still an idiot,” she called out over her shoulder, and he smiled and shook his head as he once more moved towards Fury’s office. 

Natasha was being sent out on an undercover op, and Clint was well….he’d have to ask Fury where Clint was off to next. The base would be quiet for a few days at least. At some point, he really needed to drop by Stark’s place and update himself on whatever he was dabbling in. It might help him differentiate between an alien metal monster and something he can yell at with a megaphone next time. He’d make Melinda go with him. It would show her that he was taking his promise seriously, but more importantly…..Stark was scared of Melinda. As well he should be. 

The debrief didn’t take long. They’d meet again in a couple of days to discuss some safeguards they could put in place in case any other bitter Asgardian showed up and tried to destroy parts of the planet. Fury didn’t seem as impressed with his new nickname, but he was probably just jealous. It didn’t matter though, because he was finally on his way to get Melinda and go home. 

She was in the gym when he finally found her, and she’d worked up quite a sheen of sweat on her delicate skin. He stood back watching for a moment but his look of appreciation morphed into one of concern as he watched her pummel the bag. Her hits were aggressive and quick without rest, and he could tell by her rigid stance that she was working out demons rather than just an abundance of energy. 

“Go put your gym clothes on, Coulson.” She called out without slowing her punches. “We’re sparring.”

“We are?” He called out, but the glare she sent in his direction was the only answer he was going to get. He moved to the locker room to follow orders. So much for his plans of heading home.

She was waiting on the mats when he walked in and there was nothing playful about her manner as she watched him stretch and prepare. She was looking for a fight and he was her unwilling opponent. 

He stepped onto the mats and decided to just wait and see how she wanted to play. She usually waited for her opponent to….a quick punch to his stomach had his thoughts trailing off as he gasped for air. 

“What the…?” He tried to ask, but she just stared at him impatiently as she waited for him to recover. His earlier concern transitioned to annoyance. He had no intention of just sitting back and being her punching bag.

She struck again quickly, but this time he was anticipating and managed to dodge and land his own hit to her side. Her spin kick caught his shoulder and he knew he’d have a bruise there later. She usually wasn’t so aggressive. She certainly never tried to actually hurt him before. He’d never seen her quite so out of control when she sparred. 

“What’s this about, May?” he asked as he rotated his shoulder to check for damage. 

“You need the practice.” She said breathily as a kick caught his thigh. 

He huffed, “I couldn’t exactly fight like this against alien technology, Mel.”

She wasn’t deterred by that branch of logic and continued to attack. “Focus, Phil,” she admonished, and he shook his head to clear it after her last blow had connected to his cheek.

“What the hell, May?”

“You could have been killed out there. Now focus,” she snarled and swung her leg low. His own legs were swept out from under him and his back hit the mat hard knocking the air out of his lungs once more. 

He tried to roll to his side, but she was on him quickly and had him pinned to the mat. He wasn’t going to play this game anymore, but before he could tell her it was over, his eyes connected with hers. Her jaw was clenched but not from anger. Her eyes glistened with the unshed tears she was fighting back. Suddenly it settled in his gut what this was really about. He could have died out there. All the fight left his body and he tried to free his hands. She tightened her grip around his wrist and kept them pressed to the mat. He slowly slid his arms up above his head causing her to fall forward onto his chest. He felt her shiver and then felt the gentle shaking of her shoulders. 

“I’m here, Melinda. I’m right here. I’m safe and I’m right here with you,” he whispered soothingly over and over as she tried to gather herself. 

“Next time you might not come back, Phil.” She whispered back, and he turned his head to press a kiss to her temple. 

He made no move to disagree with her or patronize her. They both knew that their jobs were dangerous and every time they went out, there was a possibility of not returning. He wouldn’t make promises to her that they both knew he couldn’t keep. 

“I’m here now, Melinda,” he offered instead. “Let’s go home.”

She nodded and moved off of him so they could get up. 

They each moved to the locker rooms to clean up a little and change, and he was waiting for her when she came out again. She had locked her emotions down once more and the determined set of her jaw told him he’d be wise not to bring it up right now. 

He knew the hardest part of everything she’d been through these past few months since Bahrain had been the loss of the careful control she’d always had on her emotions. She didn’t do well with being vulnerable, and he was once again reminded of how incredible it was to be the one she trusted to share it all with. He knew what she had been battling earlier. He’d felt that same helpless fear waiting for her to come back out of that building in Bahrain. He knew she trusted him to do his job just as he had trusted her that day, but trusting someone to be a good agent and fearing someone you care deeply about might not come home are two very different things. The only thing that had ever scared him more than watching her head towards that building in Bahrain was the nights he’d spent sitting helplessly outside her door when they’d gotten back. He had been terrified she would never let him in again, but she did, and he would tread carefully tonight. That talk about their future could wait. Tonight his goal was to simply live in the present with her and assure her that they’d been lucky this time and everything was okay. 

Dinner was quieter than usual and they had silently stood side by side at the kitchen sink washing and drying the dishes. He felt a knot growing in his stomach thinking that she was going to push him away again. He started mapping arguments and plans in his head just in case. They dried the last plate, and then he watched helplessly as she moved to the bedroom as silent as she’d been all night.

He plopped down onto the couch with a sigh and gave a final glance to the closed bedroom door before closing his eyes and resting his head against the back. He chose to take hope in the fact that she hadn’t kicked him out yet. The exhaustion of the previous few days started to catch up with him and he drifted off.

He was startled awake a few minutes later by a pillow being tossed in his lap. He turned his head sharply to see her standing at the foot of the couch in shorts and an old t-shirt. Wordlessly, she grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch before settling down with her head on the pillow she’d placed in his lap. He smiled and reached a tentative hand out to stroke her hair and his smile grew as a soft sigh slipped past her defenses. 

They would be fine, and he’d do his best to be more careful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! This has literally sat here for weeks waiting for me to clear the writer's block and get it ready for posting. Special thanks for the shoutout from the Philindacast! I can't tell you how encouraging that was and how much it made my day.


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